Category Archives: Voices

CHAUD LAPIN for one last time :(


HOW TO YOU PICK UP A LADY?

Since this is my last column, I decided to write it the original way it was intended. I’d also like to thank whoever it is that reads this. I leave with you one of my more popular columns with some revisions.

Starting a conversation with a random girl you’ve never meet before is potentially one of the most stressful things you can ask a guy to do, but it doesn’t have to be. If you go into these interactions expecting nothing you’re never disappointed. Now let’s get you laid:

1) SPOT YOUR GIRL

When you’re looking for your target, pay close attention to what they’re wearing. Girls put themselves together specifically to look their best, so respect and appreciate that because if you do, you can use it to your advantage. From my experience loose clothing is murky water, mainly because you can never really gage how thin she is, you may be disappointed later when you realize that she’s huge. Another thing to look out for is the push up bra. Usually this is a really good sign of someone who’s DTF. However there are an equal amount of girls wearing these bras to compensate for something they don’t like about themselves and emphasize their boobs so boys just look at that and forget the rest. There’s also always the rare case that a girl just has a great set of titties and wants to share them with the world.

2) INITIATE THE INTERACTION

Take a deep breath, walk over and say: “What’s your name?” If she tells you her name go in for a hand shake and introduce yourself. Stay confident if you lose that then it’s already over. Right now your focus should be being as charming and interesting as possible.

3) SMALL TALK

Ask her what she’s drinking. You can tell a lot about a girl by what she’s drinking. If she’s drinking stuff like: Sex on The Beach/Vodka Cranberry, Orange/Amaretto Sour/Cosmo and all those girly drinks that you as a male would never drink in public unless you were dinning at a Mexican restaurant or at an all inclusive resort, then it means she’s most likely DTF. If this girl is drinking something like a Gin & Tonic/Vodka on the rocks/Manhattan/Martini she’s probably more sophisticated and thus harder to reach her pants, but all the more worthwhile. Girls that drink beer get drunk really fast so stay close to them as a fall back to your original plan.

Make an effort to compliment her, but take a second to think of something pertinent rather than cheesy. Girls only like cheesy when they’re in relationships. If you put cheese out now, you’re going to get rejected.

4) KEEPING HER INTERESTED & PROGRESSIVE PLANNING

So, you guys have spoken it’s time to step things up, ask what brings her to wherever you guys are. Chances are she’s out with some of her friends. Now I don’t know if you’re aware of this but girls genuinely enjoy talking about their best girlfriends, so ask her which one is her best friend and then ask her why she’s her best friend. This is where you shut up, listen actively and you pretend to give two fucks about what she’s saying. You should follow this up with comparisons of awesome times with your friends. This will most likely lead to storytelling and laughing.

Now that we’ve got her interested, it’s time to plan a course of action in the unfortunate event that this doesn’t work. If you’re willing, buy a round of shots for her and her friends. This way you’ll have more chicks to choose from and fall back on.

5) GET YOURSELF AND YOUR TARGET MILDLY WASTED

Booze makes things easier, weed doesn’t. There aren’t a lot of hot girls that blaze often. If you find one, jump on the opportunity, they’re the best time ever! Also if you do smoke weed and find a bid to smoke with, play up the knowledgeable stoner card, never fails. On the other hand, if you find a hot girl that doesn’t usually smoke and you two go off and burn a spliff, just know she may pass out on you.

6) BRINGING HER HOME

Guys, if you live with your parents, don’t be scared to bring her home, nail her and have her leave after. You may be thinking: “But my parents are going to be mad!” Shut up and be a man. Your parents can’t forbid you from having sex. However, if you go to the girl’s house and she lives with her parents then make sure you’re quiet. Her dad and or brothers will not be pleased with you fucking the shit out of their innocent little jewl.

USE A CONDOM

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BEWBZ!

Cans, Rack, Melons, Fun Bags, Floatation Devices, Jugs, Tits, Breasts… Whatever you want to call them, Dahlia talks about them.

By Dahlia Belinsky

I’ve wanted to talk about this topic for a long time Dawsonites. It’s one close to my heart and affects everyone. Boobs. Straight up Dawson I’m going to be discussing boobs.

First off, there is no right size. Some people follow the Nose Rule, where if a girl walks into a wall and her boobs hit the wall before her nose she’s dateable and others say more than handful is a waste. For the record, I’m not an AA cup trying to make myself feel better so fuck off, I’ll say it again, there is no right size. Every person has a preference.

Anyone whose ever had a girlfriend or have a set of their own, know how much fun a boob can be. It’s like playing with a water balloon that won’t burst and get you all wet (haha, see what I did there?). As someone who graduated from a private all girls’ catholic school, there wasn’t much to do to pass the time without your teacher yelling at you. So, some of us (fuck that, all of us actually) would just poke each other’s boobs. Then the male teacher would give you these awkward looks. A look that’s asking you to stop without actually saying it out loud. However because they’re looking at you they seem creepy.

Except of course, each size has a benefit and a downfall.

Big boobs are transportable pillows. When I actually go to my classes and I’m tried all I want to do is rest my head on a pillow. Well I can’t. I left it at home, so the next best thing? Boob pillow, which is arguably better. On top of that your forearms will be covering your face and boobs so no one can see that you’re actually keeping your nose warm between them.
You can’t drown. It’s simple transitive properties. Fat floats and boobs are mostly, if not all, fat. This means girls with big boobs can’t drown. You Jelly?

However, when you’re PMSing, for most people your boobs will grow exponentially for a week, but it hurts so much you can’t even put on your bra without wanting to cry. Generally the bigger the boobs, the more painful. This pain in a million times worse than back pain and the two together will cause you kill yourself.

Also, bras are expensive. Girls that are DD and bigger can’t just go to the sales bin at lasenza and buy the cute polka dot with the front clip and cross back all for 3$. No, this is a traitorous and painful journey that can take hours and over 100$. The worst is that they’re very rarely cute, just solid black, white, and skin color. If you’re lucky you can get some lace! Fucking wild.

In case you didn’t already know, boobs are something you can’t look away from straight, gay, girl, boy, whatever. So when you wear a low cut top or a push up bra, don’t be surprised if people are staring. You are asking for it. The worst thing in the world is a girl, who says, “I have a face.” Yes you do, but your boobs are way nicer so if you didn’t want people to stare you should put on something that’s not from Le Garage. Also, the rule to wearing a low cut top is your friends have every right to play basketball with your cleavage, unless it’s food that like can melt, that’s just disgusting.

Finally, if you’re wearing a push up bra and a low cut top AND complaining about people staring, just shut the fuck up. No one likes you and you’re a dirty attention whore. The only time this is acceptable is when you go out. If I ever see anyone do this at school I will personally remove the padding and shove it down your throat.

Is it even dating anymore?

Rebecca P.-T. disects the modern day dating scene

By Rebecca Phaneuf-Thibault

Dating in our late teens nowadays can be quite confusing. Back in our grandparent’s time there was a set model for “dating.” Douglas James, a senior resident of Vermont said “men would ask women out if they wanted to get to know them better, dates had a pretty clear purpose of courtship – to see if this might be the person who you will eventually marry.”

Today, in our westernized and modern society, if somebody asked anyone on a date saying they want to verify if they are “the one” before even knowing their last name, anyone would immediately freak out. Yet you hear girls constantly saying they want to find someone that sweep us off our feet with romantic gestures! Can you spell out c-o-n-t-r-a-d-i-c-t-i-o-n-s? When did all the rules start changing and why did they?

In a world where long-distance relationships are on the rise, where sex and dating are independent from each other, where we text and Facebook instead of calling, where we date to have a laugh and cringe at the idea of “happily ever after”; it’s hard not to wonder…WHAT HAPPENED?

First of all, the greater role that women play in the public sphere as opposed to the one they did in our grand-parent’s time, their gain of professional power, their sexual freedom and their social status, has completely changed the name of the dating game.

It dictated the whole essence of dating, types of relationships we get involved in, views of sex, definitions of love, the aims of a love life (the definition of a “good” one)…YOU NAME IT!

Nowadays, we don’t want to consider marriage until we’d “lived” enough; for some that means to travel the world, to have a successful professional career, to have different sexual partners, to ‘go out and be young’, etc. But as much as dating has changed, it never disappeared. Does that mean we are genetically programmed to date? To look for a partner? Even just for kicks? That secretly we do it to find someone to settle down with? If we changed the name of the game from ‘find-a-wife/husband’ to ‘casual-fun-and-games’, are we just disguising old motives behind new socially accepted casualties? But did these new standards make it harder for people to ‘fall in love’ or did it just level our expectations to a more realistic level?

The room left to chivalry is one that stirred up a lot of debate over the last decades. If women want to be treated as equals, why should practices that revolve around the idea that they are the weaker sex still be actual, right? But then where does the romance lies? Can there be romance without chivalry?  Barbara Madimenos, a first semester Literature student said, “TO EVERY GIRL OUT THERE:  take the first step. Don’t wait around like a hopeless princess, be independent and take initiative with what you want in life because that guy may never ask you out.” Could women have taken over chivalry? Maybe both women and men are now chivalrous…

A new kind of relationship that happens to be more and more present in our day and age due to kids traveling more and being less held back by traditional types of romances, are long distance relationships. While traveling, you’re out of your comfort zone, most likely to be closer to your adventurous side, usually on vacation, more relaxed,etc. All the ingredients are there to meet someone! But long-distance relationships bring their load of difficulties and very few pass the test of time and survive past the honeymoon phase. The fact that they are a relatively new phenomenon make all the rules “to be determined.” Here again there are no set boundaries per say, forcing people to act on their own terms.

All in all, dating for our generation is pretty much a free for all because of all the new freedoms that is offered to us and the lack of set ground rules! This can be perceived as very confusing times when it comes to dating, but I think we should make the most of it! We have the opportunity to model our dating life according to our own standards and requirements without any actually societal restrictions! Am I the only one thinking this is really good news?

NEWS BITES

By Dahlia Belinsky

The first day of December was yesterday meaning Movember is officially over. For those who don’t know, Movember is when guys grow a moustache for the month of November for prostate cancer awareness. Presumably all the Dawson men have shaved their moustaches and trimmed their beard, which is too bad because they’re so hot. Except not really. Thank God December is here.

President of the United States, Barack Obama, has received 12 stitches on his lip after being elbowed in a game of basketball.

A study done by Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital found that obesity is linked with osteoporosis. Basically, if you’re fat you have weak bones. This was not always the case. Before, it was believed that being overweight gave you stronger bones. It’s okay, if you’re that fat you don’t need bones, you can just lie in bed and eat your sorrow away.

Carlos Flores, a grocery clerk in New York, jumped in the metro tracks to save a man who had fainted.  He said he did it so that the metro would not hit him and cause a delay that would make Flores late for work. I can only hope that someone would have saved the man even if they weren’t going to be late…

The Head of the Washington State Potato Commission finally finished his 60 day potato diet. In that time he ate approximately 400lbs of potatoes in every form possible. The best part is he lost 20lbs, lowered his blood sugar, and cut his total cholesterol by a third. Despite these advantages he is not recommending the diet to people. I don’t even care; this is legitimately a dream diet. The results could have been he gained 40lbs and somehow got chlamydia and I’d still be down to eat potatoes for two months.

Warner Brothers is making Quidditch Lingerie, or at least they’re getting the trademark. The people who are buying the lingerie, no one other than themselves will see it. Too bad I’m really tempted to buy it…

QUIT BLOCKING MY VIEW

Plant writer, Jennifer Hughes, tells all you tall people to find somewhere  else to stand at concerts

Do you know what I really hate? When really tall guys stand in front of me at gigs and concerts. Now I’m not talking about any tall guys, I’m talking about an abundance of them standing within a one foot radius of each other.

I get in, get my coat off, mix and mingle and then somehow manage to get pushed to the front of center stage. Huzzah, perfect! Thank you crowd of rowdy teens and middle-aged adults! But before I have five minutes to fully appreciate my position for the upcoming performance, I turn around to a minimum of five over six-foot-tall guys positioned between the stage and myself.

I have nothing against tall people. They have an advantage over everything. And a few of the guys standing in front of me have been extremely nice and have shifted a few feet over in the packed room after noticing my awkward jumping over their shoulders.

I just don’t get how, at a show, an entire group of extremely tall young men standing a few feet from the front of the stage is inevitable. One alone is bearable, two: alright that’s fine, three: ehh, now you’re pushing it. But over five? All standing right beside each other, directly in front of me, and usually blocking any chance of actually seeing any part of the show? It’s frustrating, to put it lightly.

But they’re all standing there, arms around girlfriends and practically towering over the band members, forming a barrier for the rest of us. For a resolution to this problem I suggest that if you’re over six-foot five-inches tall and attend concerts with other six-foot-and-over friends, you could perhaps decide to disperse a little. If you each stand a minimum of two feet apart or at least think about the rest of us, we might all have a chance of enjoying the show.

The “South Africa’s Sexual Offence Act” BLUES

Alarm raised on sexual offence laws when 15 year old girls get convicted for rape… for being raped

By Carl Perks

Not only did rape prevention laws in South Africa get up on the wrong side of the bed after the apartheid policy along with its minority government finally stepped out of power, but they did so on the wrong foot.

If you haven’t flipped through the International News section of this week’s paper yet, there is an article on a 15-year-old girl in South Africa who, after being drugged and sexually assaulted as school mates filmed the whole ordeal, was charged for statutory rape.

The charges for the victim and the rapists were dropped for lack of evidence.
In the country where the people compared former Deputy President Jacob Zuma’s raping of a 30 year-old aids activist to Bill Clinton’s famous blowjob, victimising them as “Both presidents who were accused by a woman,” the women’s side of the chessboard seems to be covered with pawns.

But if professional chess has taught us anything it’s that even pawns can check mate: despite not having the government on its side, dozens of activist groups and children/women’s rights groups have brought ever-so-required media attention to the issue.

An updating of the laws is on its way but it’s a muddy road: parliament can now boast a third of their ministers being women, yet their Sexual Offences Act dates back to 1972. The laws have been amended in 1996 but the only changes were ages of majority and youth. Until laws are properly updated to fit current women’s rights, South Africa will continue to be that country where a woman is raped every 17 seconds (according to the country’s Medical Research Council).

These laws will be like sausages, you don’t want to see them as they are being made. The task here will not only be to enforce them but also explaining them to the population: according to the BBC’s interview with Dumisani Rebombo, a repentant rapist who now works with young men to prevent their ill-treatment of women, he said ‘‘I think that we raise boys in the wrong way, but later on in their lives we want to see them as different men who care and love.’’

Rebombo agrees with most social analysts on the matter, saying that the problem lies with men’s view of women as ‘‘fair game’’. He gives lectures to young men and explains how much he regrets his past actions. In South Africa this is somewhat like spitting in your own beer mug: though one in four men admit to having raped, the macho consensus dictates a non-repentant demeanour.

Most men still refuse to listen, booing rape victims when they bring their assailers to court, despite only 7% of reported cases ever lead to conviction.
The wrong people are being booed.

Life lessons or raw jokes?

Sitcoms have changed over the generations. It used to be innocent and it has now turned into ridiculous, crude and raw laughter.

By Ashley Couillard

Full House, like many family sitcoms in the 80’s, was a vessel for life lessons and wholesome fun, unlike today’s TV, which is constructed for pure entertainment only.

Back in the day, watching sitcoms meant sitting down with your family for about a half hour, watching and laughing at what was playing on the television. Then, it would end off with a life lesson or a moral. Each episode was geared towards giving a meaningful message. Before television desensitized us, TV shows were only created to send out a message, and they used entertainment to portray that. 

When we used to watch shows like Full House, Boy Meets World, Saved by the Bell and Three’s Company, we were only about five years old, and everything that played was full of innocent laughter and it would be something we’d all look forward to watching when we got home from kindergarten or grade school. We would sit down and laugh at the simple but funny jokes. Nowadays if we put a five year old in front of today’s sitcoms such as Two and a Half Men, they wouldn’t laugh at any of the ridiculous jokes nor would they understand the context. Nonetheless, they will continue to watch the show, just out of curiosity and will probably remember scenes that seem interesting to them such as a sex scene, simply because they have no clue what is going on. How are we supposed to explain to little kids what is going on at that precise moment? Are today’s sitcoms appropriate for the new generation?

All the TV shows have become cruder, rawer, and more for entertainment purposes rather than giving a message. Since a lot of the TV shows are now geared towards entertainment, they’ve let go of giving out morals to kids and therefore have slacked off on really decent comedy. Entertainment is comedy, however it isn’t the real comedy that was created long ago. Today’s entertainment has to include death, sex or parties for it to be funny.

Shows such as CSI Miami and Criminal Minds are examples of more recent shows being broadcasted, which have desensitized us. People are interested and enjoy watching the thrill of mystery, suspicion and crime. Watching people die has become entertainment to us, we don’t react the way we normally would if we saw someone die in front of us, we’ve become so used to watching it on TV, that it has become a norm. Other shows such as One Tree Hill are about watching ordinary teenagers live their lives the same way we do everyday, including all the drama that goes on. There is no intended message being shown through the new generation of TV.

Sitcom shows are no longer something a family can watch together. It is no longer a TV show with a purpose, nor is it a show for all ages, where a five-year-old will understand what is being shown, it is rather a show created for an older audience who purely loves to watch TV for entertainment and who loves raw and crude laughter.