top five picks of the week

Counting down the Top 5 moments with Sam around

By Chris Pike

This will be Sam’s last issue at The Plant. I can barely hold back the tears to be truthful. But if you’re looking for something that’s sentimental you might as well go read the inductions. As for picks this week, I’m going to be counting down the top five Plant moments involving Sam.

#5 Laughing Contest
One day The Plant Troika, which consisted of Sam, Sean Tepper (former sports editor) and George Pantazopoulos (former arts editor) decided they were going to, after watching a unnatural amount of the television show Kenny VS Spenny, have a laughing contest. Whoever was able to go the entire production night without laughing would decide what punishment the other two would receive. Needless to say Sean lost immediately (he actually made himself laugh, dumbass). However, George and Sam continuously battled it out all through the night. Neither of them lost and Sean was never actually punished because Sam and George are both pussies. Although, for the rest of us the funniest moment of the night came for the editor-in-chief. There is a sign in the office which says pha-q. Sound it out. Yeah. Sam kept repeating it over and over. Okay so maybe it’s not that funny, maybe you just had to be there.

#4 Sam’s overall destruction of the office
There are wholes in the walls. There is mustard all over. There is a random Baudelaire quote that only makes sense to Sam. The windows are broken. Both of them. The desks look like they were mouth-raped by a gang of angry beavers.

#3 The “Pits and Shoulder” incident
I’m going to cut to the chase here. Sam got drunk. Really drunk. And then began rubbing his armpits. And then he wouldn’t stop. He then moved on to his shoulders. This went on for about twenty minutes. Okay so maybe you had to be there this time too. Give me a break here.

#2 Sam’s testicles bleed
Once upon a time Sean speared Sam with an umbrella and then his balls started to bleed. Shit got real. And no one ever hit anyone in the balls ever again. The End.

#1 Darren gets slapped and then pukes
One night we all got drunk. This was the same night Sam decided he was going to rub his pits and shoulders profusely. Darren got so drunk that he asked me to slap him. So I did. Right across the face. As hard as I fucking could. Afterward he thanked me. Soon after he puked. It was fucking awesome. How does this have anything to do with Sam? He was there. Deal with it.

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