Cans, Rack, Melons, Fun Bags, Floatation Devices, Jugs, Tits, Breasts… Whatever you want to call them, Dahlia talks about them.

By Dahlia Belinsky

I’ve wanted to talk about this topic for a long time Dawsonites. It’s one close to my heart and affects everyone. Boobs. Straight up Dawson I’m going to be discussing boobs.

First off, there is no right size. Some people follow the Nose Rule, where if a girl walks into a wall and her boobs hit the wall before her nose she’s dateable and others say more than handful is a waste. For the record, I’m not an AA cup trying to make myself feel better so fuck off, I’ll say it again, there is no right size. Every person has a preference.

Anyone whose ever had a girlfriend or have a set of their own, know how much fun a boob can be. It’s like playing with a water balloon that won’t burst and get you all wet (haha, see what I did there?). As someone who graduated from a private all girls’ catholic school, there wasn’t much to do to pass the time without your teacher yelling at you. So, some of us (fuck that, all of us actually) would just poke each other’s boobs. Then the male teacher would give you these awkward looks. A look that’s asking you to stop without actually saying it out loud. However because they’re looking at you they seem creepy.

Except of course, each size has a benefit and a downfall.

Big boobs are transportable pillows. When I actually go to my classes and I’m tried all I want to do is rest my head on a pillow. Well I can’t. I left it at home, so the next best thing? Boob pillow, which is arguably better. On top of that your forearms will be covering your face and boobs so no one can see that you’re actually keeping your nose warm between them.
You can’t drown. It’s simple transitive properties. Fat floats and boobs are mostly, if not all, fat. This means girls with big boobs can’t drown. You Jelly?

However, when you’re PMSing, for most people your boobs will grow exponentially for a week, but it hurts so much you can’t even put on your bra without wanting to cry. Generally the bigger the boobs, the more painful. This pain in a million times worse than back pain and the two together will cause you kill yourself.

Also, bras are expensive. Girls that are DD and bigger can’t just go to the sales bin at lasenza and buy the cute polka dot with the front clip and cross back all for 3$. No, this is a traitorous and painful journey that can take hours and over 100$. The worst is that they’re very rarely cute, just solid black, white, and skin color. If you’re lucky you can get some lace! Fucking wild.

In case you didn’t already know, boobs are something you can’t look away from straight, gay, girl, boy, whatever. So when you wear a low cut top or a push up bra, don’t be surprised if people are staring. You are asking for it. The worst thing in the world is a girl, who says, “I have a face.” Yes you do, but your boobs are way nicer so if you didn’t want people to stare you should put on something that’s not from Le Garage. Also, the rule to wearing a low cut top is your friends have every right to play basketball with your cleavage, unless it’s food that like can melt, that’s just disgusting.

Finally, if you’re wearing a push up bra and a low cut top AND complaining about people staring, just shut the fuck up. No one likes you and you’re a dirty attention whore. The only time this is acceptable is when you go out. If I ever see anyone do this at school I will personally remove the padding and shove it down your throat.


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