top five picks of the week

Counting down the Top 5 Plant beards

By Chris Pike

No Shave November (or Movember) is approaching its end and so, many men at Dawson are coming to the sad realization that it’s time to shave their beards, or for those of them who haven’t finished puberty, their mustaches. There will be many fresh faces come next Wednesday. So women of Dawson rejoice, no longer will you be forced to look at that guy in your class who clearly has breakfast stuck to his chin, or that other guy who’s mustache could only be described as a “dirty sanchez.” However, here at The Plant we keep the beards going all year long and so, for your reading pleasure, here are the top 5 (in no particular order) Plant beards.

#5 Brian Lapuz’s stubble
Brian’s beard is quite the anomaly. This is because he’s Asian and we all know that Asians and beards don’t exactly mix too well. It’s weird and makes me a little bit uncomfortable. Although, it does go really well with his hipster attitude and socialist values. So keep growing that beard, Brian, I believe in you and so does Mother Russia.

#4 Chris Pike’s Full Beard
Carl Perks here (Patchy Beard). Chris is too humble to sing praise to the amazon forest that is the consequence of his pubescence. It’s dense and connects to his mustache in a way that discolors history teachers and Seth Rogan with envy. He has the full package: his neck beard ties to his extended scruff nicely joining his mustache above a soulful soul patch.  His pilosity is unmatched in the Plant office and leaves all other men with a feeling of discontent for their own facial hair.

#3 Tyler Finigan’s neck-beard
I don’t really know what to say about this. It’s really just there. It isn’t too stylish and if I were him I’d shave it off completely. It is kinda metal though. I think he should just let it go until it gets to ZZ Top length. Fuck yeah ZZ Top. I said lord take me downtown/I’m just lookin’ for some tush. Sorry, I just really love ZZ Top.

#2 Sam Schmidt’s invisible mustache
This thing is an affront against all that is good and holy. It’s disgusting and wretched and needs to be removed from Sam’s face immediately. I wonder what his mother thinks of it, she probably cries herself to repeating, “What have I raised? Where did I go wrong?” Why would you break your mother’s heart like that Sam. Why?

#1 Carl Perks’ patchy beard
The resident Plant Englishman has facial hair, but only in certain places. He’s got the kind-of-side-burns thing, a little bit of hair on his cheeks, a fuzzy chin and unfortunately, a rather unimpressive mustache (sorry Carl). However he does pull it off. Clean-shaven Carl looks a little silly though so I’m glad Mr. Perks has his beard, patchy or no, it suits him well.

One response to “top five picks of the week

  1. A top five picks about plant beards and not so much as a honourable mention. GTFO Chris Pike. Friendship over.

    ps. your beard is gross.

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