Counting down the Top 5 things sold on TV
By Chris Pike
Chris Pike here with another FANTASTIC Top 5 Picks! Are you tired of reading the Plant without being entertained? Having trouble getting through news without falling asleep? Boring bands in the Arts section? Too many swear words in Voices? Well fear no more, because with Top 5 Picks, I’m going to show you that the Plant can be a fun, easy, entertaining and a somewhat curse word free read. This week’s offer: Top 5 things sold on TV. Call now and receive a brand new Top 5 Picks in next week’s issue! 1-888-TOP-FIVE. Operators are standing by.
#5 Magic Bullet
This miniature blender is so small that you’ll keep it on your counter and use it everyday! Or at least that’s what the couple on TV selling this shit says. They make smoothie after smoothie and then they get into making omelets and nachos in mere minutes. The limitless potential of the Magic Bullet is outstanding. That is until you realize that they have all the ingredients for omelets, smoothies, and nachos already at their disposal. Not only do they lie to you about how long things actually take to make, but they encourage you to lie to your children. Yes, they say that you can put some broccoli in the smoothies and the fruit will overpower the vegetable taste. Lies. The Magic Bullet is full of Lies.
Do you want to be ripped? Insanely muscular? Kinda oily for no real reason? Bowflex is the answer to your prayers. Apparently, only 30 minutes a day will have you looking like Ah-nold Schwarzenegger. It’s not so much that the Bowflex itself, with its many interlocking hooks that don’t look complicated to use at all, but more so the people in the commercials that make them so funny. None of them look like the juicehead body-builder at the beginning of the commercial first of all. And second, they say the douchiest shit. Things like “I gave my fat clothes to my fat friends” and, “Now my wife gives me that special wink more often.” Well guy number one, you no longer have those fat friends because you’re an asshole and guy number two, no one wants to hear about how you get to fuck your wife now that you will no longer squish her.
#3 Slap Chop
“You’re gonna love my nuts!” ‘nuff said, Vince, ‘nuff said.
This is the only product on the list I’ve actually used myself. My ex-girlfriend had one and I was completely amazed by how well it worked. It was able to clean up any mess. Unfortunately, it couldn’t clean up my ex who was a dirty, stupid, cumdumpster, who dumped me two days before my birthday. I’m not bitter about it though, not one bit.
#1 Anything sold by Billy Mays
OxyClean, Mighty Putty, Kaboom, etc. This man was a legend; a God amongst mere mortals. He had 34 products under his belt, more than any other TV pitchman in the history of commercials. Sadly, Billy Mays enjoyed a little too much of Columbia’s main export and died recently. There will be no replacing Mr. Mays, but we can still hope that his son Billy Mays III will continue his father’s legacy and continue to sell us useless, overpriced crap with an awesome beard, enthusiastic smile, and an epic thumbs up.