By Dahlia Belinsky

Josef Fritzl recently gave an interview admitting that he would like to leave prison to care for his wife of 55 years. Fritzl has written to his wife, but has yet to receive a response and so he blames the authorities for this. He would care for her the only way any good husband would know how, by trapping her in a basement for 24 years and forcing her to birth seven children.

Twenty-two years ago, Britain suffered its worst water poisoning ever. The water in Camelford, a town in North Cornwall, was contaminated with 20 tons of aluminum sulphate. The worst case reported from this poising was Carole Cross, who died when large amounts of aluminum were found in her brain. All of this because the driver didn’t know which tank to put the sulphate in. Oops.

A scientific study recently found that alcohol might be more harmful than heroin. The study was led by Professor David Nutt who was fired by the government from his job as UK chief drug adviser. So next time you’re going drinking with your friends, say no. Instead shoot up, you might even see your friend’s dead baby crawling on the ceiling.

A new diet called “The Potato Diet” has been introduced. The diet has its participants eat potatoes in any form; be it baked, grilled, fried or mashed for two months. The diet began when the Director of the Washington Potato Commission wanted to prove that potatoes are not only junk food. Wait…Director of Potato Commission is an actual job? Career found.
Facebook has removed “Wall to Wall” and switched it for “See Friendship.” Users are able to see their wall to wall, common events, comment friends and common likes with whichever of their friends. This is a new generation of lurking. Now you can see all the commonalities between you and your crush with ease. Also, no one is leaving the house now…ever.

In Portugal, a man named Jose Pinto slashed Jaime Pires’ throat for having sex with his favorite donkey. Pires was known for having sex with farm animals on a regular basis. Mayor Francisco Silva said, “I don’t think there is anything behind [the murder] other than the animals.” Also there’s nothing behind the animals other than Pires. Ba-dum tchh.

Last week, Takeshi Shudo died from a subarachnoid hemorrhage in Japan. Shudo was the head writer for the Pokemon anime. Remember that scene in Mewtwo Strikes Back when Ash turns to stone? He wrote that. Nerds and lonely people alike will mourn the death when the body is buried in Lavender Town.

A man saved Elyse Frankcom who was being attacked by a shark. When the shark bit her, the man pulled the shark’s tail and it released her. Frankcom spent six hours in surgery, but is now in a stable condition. The shark is believed to be a three meter long Great White. It can be assumed that Frankcom then slept with her rescuer as a thank you.

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