top five picks of the week

Counting down the Top 5 80’s movie villains

By Chris Pike

The 80’s were a magical time. The emergence of hair metal, John Hughes movies, classic cartoons like Transformers and Gem, and the rise in cocaine’s popularity amongst the rich. Unfortunately I was born two years too late to experience any of this, but I have watched an incredulous amount of VH1 and MuchMoreRetro. Yes, I have seen more episodes of Full House than I’d like to admit but it has given me great insight into what the 80’s were like. More specifically what 80’s movies and TV were like. And with the abundance of 80’s movies comes an abundance of 80’s movie villains. Let’s countdown the Top 5 80’s movie villains shall we? I mean, isn’t that what we do here? Yes, I believe it is.

#5 Biff Tannen from Back to the Future part 1, 2 and 3
Remember that bully from elementary school who eventually grew up and went to high school, but continued to be a total douche and beat you up for being a little weird? Yeah, that’s Biff Tannen. Fortunately, the 80’s were a fair and just the time that made sure Biff got what was coming to him. Okay, so Marty McFly had to go back in time, teach his dad how to be cool, make out with his mom (that’s some fucked up shit) and get beat up a few times so that Biff could basically be his family’s slave, but it was well worth it. Oh! And this is just the first movie, let’s not get into the second movie where Biff is rich and bangs Marty’s mom and is somehow king of Marty’s small suburban town. Those movies still confuse the fuck out of me, man.

#4 Gordon Gekko from Wall Street
Michael Douglas is a total badass, anyone who’s seen him in Wall Street as Gordon Gekko can attest to this. Sadly, Gekko is one greedy motherfucker. To put his greed in perspective, let’s just say that Gene Simmons (if you’ve never seen his TV show, ask one of your friends who has; they’ll confirm his greediness) finds Gekko’s approach to money a little much. But what makes him one of the best movie villains of the 80’s is the fact that he’s willing to screw over hundreds of people for a few dollars. That and the fact that he’s also fucking over Charlie Sheen. Don’t know how much I hate Charlie Sheen? Go read last week’s Picks.

#3 Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors
So tiny and somewhat adorable at first, Audrey II begins to grow exponentially till she’s bigger than Precious (based on the novel Push by Sapphire). All she wants to do is help Rick Moranis with his lady problems. Cmon’ you’re telling me that you wouldn’t kill your crush’s significant other and let a giant man-eating plant dispose of the evidence? So maybe that’s a little extreme, but if you looked like Rick Moranis you’d be taking drastic measures as well.

#2 Hans Gruber from Die Hard
He’s German, he’s rich, and he’s got a personal army of men who look like Fabio willing to do whatever it takes to please him [insert gay joke here]. Did I mention he’s played by ultra-badass Alan Rickman? Yeah. He’s so cold that he murdered the Asian guy in charge of the company he’s stealing from and he’s so smart that he came face to face with John McClane and instead of shitting himself like anyone else would when faced with John McClane, he pretended to be a hostage and snuck his way out of the situation. He’s also got one of the most memorable deaths in any movie. Falling out of a 40 story building. Pretty sweet.

#1 Darth Vader from Star Wars
“Why is Darth Vader on this list, Star Wars was made in the 70’s!” Well technically you’re right voice I use to offer up opinions that aren’t mine so as to make this feel much more conversational than it is, but episode five and six of the Star Wars franchise were made in the 80’s. And anyone who tells you that The Empire Strikes Back isn’t the best Star Wars movie ever made needs to be gored by a yak after they re-watch Empire three times in a row, but I digress. Vader is the biggest, baddest motherfucker on this list. He’s six-foot six; 270 pounds of pure muscle and can crush your balls with his mind. Oh, and his sword is made of pure light. He’s also an expert pilot with his own type of tie-fighter. Last, but certainly not least, the dude wears a lightbright on his chest. I don’t even know what those buttons do, but goddamn me if he doesn’t rock them in style. Speaking of style, HE’S GOT A CAPE. How many other people (or plants) on this list can pull of a cape? None, that’s how many.

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