Halloween Mania

Plant writer Beatrice Broderick-Auger retells the history of Halloween and countsdown the top 10 slutty Halloween costumes

Halloween Tale

For us Halloween is just another good excuse to go and party with the plus of dressing up, but where did it all come from?

I won’t bore you with a history class here, however I do have a good short and simple mesh of tales I overheard at Dawson and around town about its origin.
Long ago, people living in a faraway village were visited  every 31 of October by wicked old witches that came back from the dead. They would come to every house where a child, girl or boy, lived. If the mother heard knock, knock, knock then she knew that her youngest child would be taken from her forever.

This continued for years. Mothers around the village would try everything to prevent these evil witches from grabbing their child – lock their doors, barricade their windows, light a fire in the chimney, all, however in vain. The evil managed to enter the houses, unlocking the doors, breaking down the windows and even climbing down the chimneys. Mothers all across the village were dreading this day, terrified of the dead coming back and kidnapping their children and none of them knew why.

To shed light on this very serious matter that was happening in their village, the women called upon a shaman an early October day. The wise man declared that not their grandparents nor their great-grandparents had offended the dead, but the generation before. The great-great grandmothers of this town had offended the dead and now the town was paying. Muhahahahaha!!!! (Or something along those lines, I wasn’t exactly around in those times.) So heading back home, the mothers debated what they should do about this and what a scam the dude was. Leave a card apologizing, make a temple in their honour, sing them a song – were some ideas.

As the 31 drew closer and everybody was getting their offerings ready for the witches, an unusually good smell emanated from one of the houses. One poor mother was desperately attempting to keep her last child from being taken from her. But what was she making that smelled so good?

Knock, knock, knock, she heard minutes before getting her fresh baked human shaped cookies out of the oven. Stalling for time, the young woman asked “What’s the magic word?” Slightly confused and subdued by the smell of fresh baked cookies the witch said “Trick or Treat,” meaning I want to play a trick on you and kidnap your child forever or give me a treat instead. The mother, handing over one of her delicious fake human creations, watched as the witch vanished in mid-air.

Later that night the rumor that this young mother saved her child went around the village, but what had she done that was so special?

The following year all young mothers started to bake human shaped cookies to trick the witches. But now all the young kids were bored out of their minds and no longer terrified of being kidnapped anymore. There was no fun to living in the village anymore. Therefore, they dressed up as witches and tricked their mothers into giving them the cookies also.

Unfortunately, Walmart does not sell freshly-baked, just-out-of-the-oven, human-shaped cookies nowadays because let’s face it, Halloween is really all about spending! Whether buying slutty costumes, (which can be pretty freaking expensive) candy or decorations, it’s all spending and buying. So here’s hoping us all a good weekend of that!

Top 10 Halloween

Halloween-Time for all you gals out there to get slutty! October 31 is the day where all attires are allowed. You will not be judged on the length of your skirt (even if nowadays it’s rare that you are), the depth of your “decollete”, your midriff showing considerably and your six-inch heels that you can hardly walk in. That is all discarded on the 31st… It is the norm.

Therefore, when it comes to a costume you want it to be sexy, somewhat slutty and meaningful, as in obvious what your disguise is. The following 10 costumes are in my opinion the best choice for you. Here are the top 10 most unoriginal/typical costumes, aka a no-miss:

Marilyn Monroe: Hollywood glamour and sex symbol. So, if you want to dress up as a movie star, please go for this curvy read lip goddess and maybe Leonardo DiCaprio might catch your eye or someone cuter.

Disney: Every little girl wishes to be a princess at one point or another. DO IT. Some guys dig the innocent girl. This is a costume for you more conservative / pretty girls. Short but not too short of a skirt with a cute little top and elegant gloves. Your prince charming will arrive galloping on a white horse.

Cop: Power, that’s all I can say for you girls. You get the authority. Isn’t it every guy’s desire to get pulled over while speeding 100 over the limit by a short-skirt, midriff-showing, high-heel-boots-wearing police woman. So daring gals, get that suit on, the hand cuffs out and wait for your bad boy to come.

The Military Woman: Power, power, power and patriotism. The latter maybe applies more to the US but I must say we Canadians can be very patriotic.

Nurse: She could save your life during that-too-good-to-be-true orgasm! So let’s make this clear: you’re not wearing the mouse-green regular nurse uniform; you’re wearing the short, when-you-bend-over showing uniform. Got it!

Devil / Angel: This is the way to tell the dude what your mood is for the night. Devil = naughty. Angel = sweet. So men, if you get your hands on either one of these, you know what to expect in bed.

Cheerleader: Don’t we all wish that we were that flexible and cheery? Well Halloween is the day to be, or more to look like it. Yes girls, you can get that sexy eye-catching uniform on and impress all the judges out there aka boys! You can have that social status, your 15 minutes of social fame and the hot football player on your arm, the perfect accessory.

Bunny: Two words: Play Boy.

School girl: If you went through the public system (no judgment) then you might be out of luck. You’ll probably be missing the short plaid skirt knee-high socks and shirt with not one, nor two, but three buttons undone. You can go back to that innocent / naive time you had in high school and be as naughty as you want.

The sports fan: It proves that your team (we’re talking about sports here, OK) looks better than the opponents. So girls choose wisely for which team you will dress up because that will determine what guy you attract, aka a leafs fan / Toronto boys! Get a jersey a bit too big and well let’s just say forget to put pants on… that should do the trick.

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2 responses to “Halloween Mania

  1. If you don’t like something about yourself, change it. If you can’t change it, accept it.

  2. Man we’re talking bullt like a brick house wow!!!

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