top five picks of the week

Counting down the top 5 shitty tv shows people still watch

By Chris Pike

I like TV. I like it a lot, but it seems to me that the number of good television shows out there is steadily decreasing. Even shows like The Office and How I Met Your Mother are starting to feel stale. However, while these sitcoms may be in decline, there is no excuse for those who continue to watch the steaming piles of garbage that are this week’s Top 5.

 
#5 Sex and The City
I know there won’t be any new episodes and I pray every night to numerous Hindu Gods that there won’t be any more movies, but Sex and The City is still an awful show. Unfortunately I am sometimes forced to watch this by my mother and every single time it makes me feel like the characters on the show are continuously trying to push women’s rights backwards as far as possible. Shoes. That’s all they ever fucking talk about. That and the fact that they’re never satisfied with anything in their lives. If you want to watch something sexist, go take a look at Mad Men. At least it’s entertaining and the “hot” women are actually hot, i.e., Christina Hendricks and January Jones. Although, that takes a backseat while remembering we’re supposed to believe that anyone would ever sleep with Sarah Jessica “My father was Seabiscuit so that’s why I look like this” Parker. I’m pretty sure her husband Matthew Broderick is permanently drunk. Don’t get me started with Kim Cattrall.

 
#4 CSI (All of them)
The original CSI used to be so good. CSI: Miami was always terrible (thanks David Caruso). CSI: New York was just CBS attempting to see how much money they could milk out of the idea. Sadly all these shows have jumped their respective sharks.* CSI’s main character left, they killed the token black guy and Justin Bieber was a bad guy in one episode. CSI: Miami faked David Caruso’s death, much to the disappointment of anyone who’s ever watched an episode, and CSI: New York is so bad CBS has moved it to the 9 p.m. timeslot. I count five jumped sharks.

 
#3 True Blood
Okay I understand the appeal of a show full of hot people and why women would want to watch hot men without their shirts. Unfortunately that doesn’t save the show from the fact that there’s no plot and that porn and firemen calendars are readily available for much less than the price of HBO or Blu-Ray discs. Besides, when it boils down to it, True Blood is just latching on to the “OMG VAMPIRES!!!” fad that will hopefully die out soon. I thought HBO was supposed to be original and entertaining, not ripping off lonely Mormon housewives who have learned how to use Microsoft Word.

 
#2 Big Bang Theory
Do you like to sit and watch kids with aspergers and laugh at the fact that they have no social graces and are utterly doomed to live an eternally awkward existence? Then Big Bang Theory is for you. There’s also a special place in hell for you. Math jokes aren’t funny. They never will be, unless you’re a mathematician. Then again how many mathematicians are also great comedians? None. Let me break it down for you nerds.
Mathematicians ≠ Comedians
Comedians = Funny
Mathematicians = Math
Therefore
Math ≠ Funny

 
#1 Two and a Half Men
The mother of all terrible TV shows. Two has-beens from 80s deliver unfunny joke after unfunny joke. You know that kid in class who tries so fucking hard to be funny all the time and falls flat on his face every time he delivers the punch line? That kid’s favorite show is Two and a Half Men. Maybe it’s because the cast still dresses like it’s 1997. Maybe it’s the fact that the kid in the show has a face you just want to destroy with a sledgehammer. Or maybe it’s the fact that Charlie Sheen is a drug addicted, prostitute buying, deadbeat. Still don’t realize that this is a bad show? Find a clip on the Internet without the laugh track. If you’re not prompted to laugh by the fake studio audience, (who, if they were real, would have to be chained to their seats) then you won’t laugh, unless you’re lobotomized, of course. I weep for those who still consider this show worthy of their time.

 
*The term “Jumping the Shark” means that a show has passed its prime, yet still continues to air despite a lack of fresh ideas. The term comes from the episode of Happy Days where Fonzie jumped over a shark; it was at this point that people began to say “Why the fuck am I watching Happy Days?”

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