top five picks of the week

Counting down the top 5 badasses

By Chris Pike

A zombie pirate riding a flaming steed with a M-16 for an arm and machete legs. That’s badass. You know what’s more badass? The five guys in this week’s Top 5.

#5 Rambo from Rambo series
Ah, yes the Sylvester Stallone classic. Stallone will go down in history known for his role as Rocky Balboa, but Rambo will be remembered as his manliest character. If we were to compare Rambo and Rocky’s manliness on an alcoholic drink scale, Rambo would be straight gin and Rocky would be an appletini. While the first Rambo movie is pretty tame, with only one kill, they just get bloodier as time goes on. The fourth Rambo movie, titled Rambo (you know, because Stallone can’t count to four) has a total of 236 deaths and 2.59 deaths per minute.  That’s right, PER MINUTE. That’s a lot of blood, and a lot of badassedness.

#4 Leonidas from 300
Leo: “Hey you know what we should do this weekend?”
Spart: “What?”
Leo: “Round up the boys and fight a million-man army with no armor and barely any weaponry.”
Spart: “Sounds good!”
Leo: “Yeah, just let me kick this guy into a bottomless well for disrespecting my country and my wife and then we can get going.”
‘nuff said.

#3 Jason Bourne from Bourne series
Matt Damon proves he’s able to play more than an emotional math genius who’s got a passion for cleaning floors. The fact that Bourne is able to stay seven steps ahead of everyone throughout the entire movie is only one example of his badassedness. He repeatedly beats the living shit out of multiple guys at once with nothing but his bare hands. Even James Bond needs a gun once in a while. Besides not only is Bourne a total badass, the plot of the Bourne movies isn’t too complicated to follow but smart enough to make you feel like you didn’t just watch, well, Rambo.

#2 Indiana Jones from Idiana Jones series (except for that shitty fourth one)
The hat, the whip, the fear of snakes; what more could you ask for from an action hero? Oh that’s right he’s got a PhD. How many of the other guys on this list have a PhD? None. Going to grad school, writing all those papers, defending his thesis, rewriting his thesis, defending his thesis again and finally getting a sweet doctorate in Archaeology. Now that is what I call badass. Well that and thwarting the plans of Nazis, saving a little, racially stereotypical, Chinese boy, shooting ninjas in the face and finding the holy grail with your dad who just happens to be Sean freakin’ Connery. Such a badass.

#1 John McClane from Die Hard Series
John is just a regular New York City cop who just happens to defeat four evil masterminds while riding motorcycles into helicopters and managing to run on feet that have been severely cut by glass. Did I mention he does this during Christmas? He dropped Alan Rickman out of a 40 story building for God’s sake. He’s turned Samuel L. Jackson into a sidekick. He’s defused countless bombs, shot numerous bad guys and figured out schemes quicker than any other action movie hero. So he doesn’t have a PhD or 299 of his closest friends helping him out, but he’s lit a gasoline trail from a plane, which made it explode in mid-air. That’s impossible, but that’s just what John McClane does. He’s like Santa that way, or Jesus. Thanks John, for making miracles happen.

Honourable Mention: Frank Martin from Transporter Series.
Frank does some pretty cool stuff, like drive fast cars and shoot a lot of guns, but can anyone explain to me why the fuck he’s doing any of this? Seriously these movies make no sense whatsoever.

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One response to “top five picks of the week

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