HABS SUCK

Why do you like the Canadiens? Because you’re stupid

By Chris Pike

For too long have I sat and listened to people talk about how the Montreal Canadiens are the greatest team ever. I’m here to tell all you delusional morons the truth. Your team is terrible, God-awful at best.

I’m not just saying this because I can and in the past I have had to swallow my pride and say the Habs have played well, but those days are over.

The Canadiens haven’t changed much over the season; oh well except for trading folk hero Jaroslav Halak to the St-Louis Blues for next to nothing. Yeah, instead of keeping the seemingly impenetrable Slovakian wall that was Halak during the playoffs the Canadiens decided to stick with Carey “I’m an underachieving sack of shit” Price.

The Canadiens should have moved Price out of town while he was still worth anything. That boy’s stock is plummeting faster than a skydiving Jonah Hill. And Alex Auld as his back up? When was the last time anyone ever saw Alex Auld play a game outside of the AHL? Exactly.

Now that we’ve gotten past the fact that the Bleu, Blanc, Rouge will be letting in goals left, right and centre let’s move up the ice and look their defense.

Some people argued that Andrei Markov should have been appointed captain instead of Brian Gionta, but I think it’d be tough to lead a team from the doctor’s office. It’s as if this guy is made of fucking glass. He’s constantly injured for months at a time. You’ve got to be able to take a hit and make a hit to make a play Markov. This is the NHL, let’s play like a big boy shall we?

Hal “I’m slow as a Galapagos turtle stuck in molasses” Gill will also be making an appearance again this year. Maybe the rest of the league will take pity on him and skate a little slower when they cross the blue line this year.

Ryan O’Byrne scores on his own net. I have nothing else to say about him.
And then there’s PK. Ah yes PK. Just wait till you make one wrong move and they ship you out so you can become a real superstar in a much smaller market. Just ask Patrick Roy and his two Avalanche cup rings. Montreal Fans: driving great players out of town since 1995.

Now for the forwards, we’ll start off with hometown hero Maxime Lapierre. Do the French have a word for hustle? If so Lapierre really needs to learn it. Good looks don’t score goals Maxime. A little less time at Med and a little more time at the Verdun Auditorium would do you good.

Scott who? Oh Gomez. Sorry I didn’t really recognize him since he plays just as well on the ice as he does on the bench.

I actually love Brian Gionta, got nothing bad to say about the new captain.
Five million dollars a year for 25 goals. Really? Plekanec is way overpaid.  Henrik Sedin makes only 1.1 million more and puts up 50 more points than him. Oh and he won the league MVP. Kinda puts things in perspective doesn’t it.

Let’s hope the trend of Mike Cammalleri losing his temper doesn’t continue since he’s only 5’9” and will likely get the shit kicked out of him by the tough guys of the league. Poor little Mikey, are you frustrated that you’ll never play as you did with the Flames? Yeah, so is the rest of the city.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Habs suck and will suck all through the season. They’ll probably win the season opener though, especially since they’re playing the Leafs who are basically an AHL team.

Fuck the Canadiens.

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