top five picks of the week

Counting down the top 5 douchebags

By Chris Pike

(Sorry, no introduction for this week, enjoy)

#5 Samuel Schmidt
Yes, the Editor-in-Chief is somewhat of a douchebag. He likes to sabotage people’s Facebook pages, make girls cry, and wears red pants. Although, I don’t think Voices would still be the most read section of the paper if Sam hadn’t been such a douche when he was the editor, now he’s moved on to bigger, better, and douchier things. And hey, at least he’s not as big a douche as his predecessor Annand.

#4 Chris Brown
Everyone hates someone who beats their girlfriend. Beating a woman is one of the douchiest things in the douchebag playbook. It goes hand in hand with the douchebag uniform, Ed Hardy clothing, spray tans, and mullets. Not only did Chris beat the ever-loving crap out of Rihanna he had the balls to bitch at Oprah for not forgiving him after he played a free show for one of her many fundraisers. Really Chris? Oprah? You’re going to complain about your abusive behavior towards women with Oprah? C’mon man, use your head.

#3 Kanye West
Where do I even start? We all know about the incident with Taylor Swift at the MTV VMA’s two years ago, so I won’t go over that. Kanye’s arrogance is what really makes him one of today’s top douchebags. The amount of quotes displaying his douchetasticness is outstanding. They range from Kanye saying he’s the new Kurt Cobain to saying he would be a character in a “modern day bible.” Kanye’s ego is so huge if he had a kid he’d probably be jealous of it. Yo, Kanye’s kid, I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish, but yo dad is one of the biggest douches of all time. All time!

#2 Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag
These two are quite possibly the most disgusting couple in the world. They are the definition of the term attention whore. If they weren’t being absolutely bat-shit crazy on The Hills they were being bat-shit crazy in public. Oh you don’t watch The Hills you say? You have an IQ higher than 30 you say?? Well let me enlighten you as to how insane these two are. If he’s not to busy trying to sell his wife’s body to Playboy or market a Spencer and Heidi sex tape, he’s rubbing healing crystals all over his body. At least Heidi did something that we can understand. Having all that plastic surgery made sure that her insides matched her outsides, fake as well as ugly. Although I’m sure Spencer enjoys his new Malibu Barbie wife.

#1 Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino
Last but certainly not least we have Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Anyone who knows me knows I watch Jersey Shore religiously, much to the displeasure of my girlfriend. This guy is on a whole other level when it comes to douchebaggery. Not one person on this list even comes close to The Situation. This is a man who does three things all day. Gym, tan, laundry. Ahh yes the infamous GTL. He goes to the gym for only God knows how long, he does look like a roided up monkey after all. Then he goes and sits in a tanning bed for hours on end and finishes the day off by not doing his own laundry, but getting his jeans and t-shirts dry cleaned.  I don’t know anyone who dry-cleans their jeans. The Situation also has many terms of endearment for the ladies, like grenades, or hippos and even dirty hamsters, just to name a few. He’s also obsessed with hooking up with the hottest girls he can find and avoiding aforementioned grenades. The problem is this douche’s criteria for “hot” women is lacking a lot of structure since these “hot” women are indistinguishable from the grenades. All this being said, he is the biggest douchebag on the list, but he’s also the most entertaining. Keep doing what you’re doing Mike, whatever the fuck that is.

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