Baked Life

Stoners of Dawson,

The feedback I’ve gotten so far has been positive so I guess I’m just going to have to keep writing these columns. Anyways, it’s actually difficult to write stuff in this column that doesn’t screw over the stoner community completely and it’s true. For example: around 16 people suggested I write an article about all the best places to blaze in the area. What a brilliant idea! Why didn’t I think of that! Then maybe while I’m at it, when this gets published, I can give a copy to Dawson security and make sure that the police get a couple copies as well. This is why people think stoners are dumb.

Anyways this week’s column is going to be about the levels of “Blazedom.” This is the way my friends and I like to measure our ripped-ness. Feel free to use it if you like it.

To be HIGH:
Being high is the lowest form of blazedness. When you’re high you can still think critically and act completely sober. It may take you longer to explain something but no one would notice. Your eyes are fully white and open. You can still do activities that require energy and focus. This includes: going to class, driving, doing homework, talking to parents and being in the workplace.

To be STONED:
When you’re stoned your eyelids will begin to droop and your eyes will start to develop a very light red tint. Creative thinking will flourish and a need for food will be created shortly. You’ll still be able to drive safely, attend class and make it through a conversation with your parents without them noticing you’re blazed.

To be BAKED:
Baked is my favourite place to be. At this point you are noticeably blazed. People will see you and know exactly what is going on so talking to parents or any type of law enforcement officer is not recommended. By this time your eyes should have a full red tint to them and your pupils should be fully dilated as well. Driving baked is still possible but you shouldn’t do it. Any laborious activities such as homework, tests, studying, essays or anything sports related will be accomplished extremely minimally. Lastly, the need for food will become a priority.

To be TOASTED:
Being toasted means you’re not going anywhere for a long time. At this point, your eyes will be fucked, to put it lightly. The need for food will be insupportable, you’ll have to eat and when you’re toasted you’ll eat just about anything. Doing activities that require focus and energy will be achieved poorly. Driving toasted is hazardous. The best remedy for being toasted is watching TV, playing video games and going to sleep. This is the stage that I think most stoners get irritated because we just want to be left alone. We’re a little too ripped and we just want to take a break for two hours and play N64.

To be SHANKED:
Being shanked is not pleasant. When you’re shanked it means that you’ve gotten so high your body can’t find its center of gravity anymore. The worst part about being shanked is that you never know when it’s coming and there’s no escaping it. This usually occurs when you’ve mixed too much alcohol with your smoking or you simply have too much Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) in your blood for your body to handle. One of the first symptoms of being shanked is that the thought of food disgusts you and the need to be seated and breathe deeply replaces it. Once seated, your stomach will begin to ache and if you move the slightest bit you’ll feel like there’s an earthquake happening inside your body. Vomiting usually ensues.

That’s all I got for you guys this week, but as a bonus I will hook you up with some of my favourite stoner tunes for your next blaze-sesh.

1.    “For What It’s Worth” by Buffalo Springfield
2.    “Barbara Ann” by The Beach Boys
3.    “Mellow Yellow” by Donovan
4.    “Cut The Cake” by Average White Band
5.    “Funkytown” by Lipps Inc

STAY LIFTED
Lapin Chaud

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