4th and long

By Chris Pike

The NHL pre-season started last week and everyone is looking forward to seeing the rookies show their worth. The Edmonton Oilers saw first overall pick, Taylor Hall, and Junior World Championship hero, Jordan Eberle, play. Although it was Swedish rookie Magnus Paajarvi who scored a hat-trick against the Tampa Bay Lighting, which begs the question, who the fuck is Magnus Paajarvi?


The Canadiens lost against the Ottawa Senators by a score of 6-2 last Sunday. It’s so nice to see that even though it’s still September, Carey Price is already in the spirit of “giving”.


The Gold Coast Turf Club will lock bikini-clad women in barrier stalls and run them down the straight, to mirror a horse race, as part of a new novelty event. Where does this take place? America? Nope. It’s in Australia. We shouldn’t be surprised though, their ancestors are hookers and criminals after all.
Toronto FC tied Salt Lake City last night ending its hopes of en- oh who am I kidding no one gives a shit about Toronto FC.
The Kansas City Chiefs have come out of the gate with an outstanding 3-0 record. Unfortunately for the Chiefs though, the entirety of Kansas City forgot they had a football team.


I was watching College Football the other day and saw two games, one where Notre Dame was playing and another where the University of Wisconsin was playing. After the games had ended I realized that both teams have really weird mascots. The Notre Dame Fighting Irish have a violent leprechaun as their mascot reminding us that once again racially insensitive stereotypes are great for mascots, isn’t that right Washington Redskins? The University of Wisconsin had a much less offensive but much weirder mascot, a badger wearing a turtleneck. I have no words.


Evgeni Malkin got into a fight with Rick Nash during the Penguins-Blue Jackets game during the pre-season. And he won. So if Malkin’s learned how to fight in the off-season is anyone else hoping that Crosby’s learned how to stop bitching about every call and Matt Cooke has learned to stop taking headshots and go back to the minors where he belongs?

The Denver Broncos lost last week against the Indianapolis Colts. Kyle Orton threw for over 400 yards and still wasn’t able to pull off a win. I believe this is a sign from above that the Broncos should put in Tim Tebow or else God will keep making them lose.


You are now aware that three NFL teams are named after horses
(Broncos, Colts and Chargers). Why so obsessed with horses America?

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