Salutations populace of Dawson,
Well, this week has blew…hard! No money, taxi driver for my family, rained like a bitch, got soaked to the skin; and, oh yes, I was held up at gunpoint in London, England while on a family vacation and I need money to get home. Of course, if you are on my email contact list, you already know about my need for funds as you received a short, polite, and rather breezy email filling you in on my assault and asking for the cash.
Yes, friends, I am the latest victim of the email scam “Help!” Let me tell you, it has made a bad week worse. So, the purpose of my letter to you today is to give you a heads-up on what will happen if you are the next victim, and what you should do about it. This is a bigger problem that we think; Google “scam” and you’ll see what I mean. I first knew about my dilemma when I started getting swamped by emails on my BlackBerry from people I had forgotten I even knew.
The most hurtful was from old high school teacher who wrote back to say they didn’t know me – well, they’re off the thank-you list from my Oscar acceptance speech. They hacked my hotmail account and changed my password, so that I would be locked out of it and wouldn’t be able to fix it. I suggest that you don’t do what I did – panic – it just slows you down from getting the real fix in. What you should do is think back to the people you’ve pissed off in the past. Or if you’re me and you’re a straight up saint and don’t have any enemies. You should just call your email provider, complete a form to give them some basic information on your dilemma, and leave it up to them to fix.
Importantly, here is what you must do now, pronto, instantly, immediately, without delay, or, actually, right after you read this week’s Plant. Clean up your email files – don’t have any bills or receipts with credit card numbers or any other personal data on your files. Second, make a backup of your contact list; it’s precious and hard to replace! Third, stay away from questionable sites – if you must, use your parent’s or friends’ computers to check out your favourite porn sites. Finally, don’t reply to or open suspicious documents; just delete them.
Of course, the week could have been worse. I actually could have been held up at gunpoint. That would have sucked even more; I would have been writing for clean underwear, never mind money. On the positive side, a lot of people from the dark distant past have now been reconnected with me; I’m expecting some new Facebook hits as a result and a lot of reminiscing. In closing, if you do feel like sending me money, feel free, but don’t send it through my email – the bad guys will get it.
Stay Classy Dawson…Word to your mothers!
Samuel Lavigne Schmidt