species of hat
by chris pike
Anyone who knows me knows that my hair is getting kind of long. Unfortunately for me it has gotten very difficult to get my hair to do what it normally does, which would be stick up in the most fashionable way possible. This turn of events has forced me to, as Editor In-Chief Sam Schmidt calls it, “bring back the hat.” Yes, I must hide my shameful mane under headwear, that’s why I’m counting down the Top Five types of hats this week.
#5 Bowler Hat
Many incredible men have worn the bowler hat, Charlie Chaplin, Wimpy from Popeye and uhh… Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange. Okay, so aside from Chaplin, the bowler hat has been reserved for guys who really love hamburgers, unbelievably violent rapists who can’t get enough of their milk, and the British.
A strange mixture of people wear the beret. These people are artists, the French, and the military. The first group tends to mostly be made up of hipsters living in one-room studio apartments taking their Facebook profile pictures with expensive DSLR cameras and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon till they puke. Ironically, of course. The second group is the French and there’s really no explaining them. The third and final group is the complete opposite of the first two. Total badasses who defend their country with all they’ve got. They are an anomaly of the hat-wearing world.
#3 Baseball hats
Baseball hats come in all shapes and sizes. There are the adjustable ones that boys wear, along with girls who have ponytails. There are fitted ones that professional athletes wear, as well as rappers. And then there are variants like Ashton Kutcher’s trucker hats (I like to keep my references topical) and those sparkly Ed Hardy hats that all the orange people around school wear and look like they came from Edward Cullen’s anus.
Pom-Poms, oversized, striped, no matter what type of toque you’re wearing it makes you easily identifiable as a Canadian. Toques are a great way to keep your ears warm in winter while remaining relatively stylish. This isn’t always true though as there are those people who abuse the toque and wear it in the middle of summer. Why? Why must you ruin this Canadian tradition? By the way this is the correct and only way to spell the word toque. It’s not tooque or tooke or tuque or even two-kuh. Toque. Let’s get it right people.
#1 Top Hats
Most of you already know about my insatiable love for R&B artist T-Pain and so it should be quite clear as to why I’ve chosen to put top hats as my number one type of hat. Not only is T-Pain awesome, but he increases his awesome with his top hats. T-Pain isn’t the only badass to don a top hat. Ever heard of Abraham Lincoln? Yeah, he freed the slaves and stopped the zombie apocalypse, or at least he would have if their had been one. You know who else wears a top hat? Mr. Monopoly, that’s who. And while the game of Monopoly rips families apart and turns best friends into bitter enemies, Mr. Monopoly is one rich son-of-a-bitch and that definitely has to do with his top hat.