What Were You Thinking?

Editorial By: Dahlia Belinsky

It’s that time of year again Dawson, where we all roll out of bed and make it to this wonderful air-conditioned CEGEP. As I sit in the atrium, skipping class to go on sporkle.com (go, it’s awesome) or just to take my time eating everything in sight, I notice all the beautiful people at Dawson. Just kidding you guys are fucking ugly. Seriously, do you guys look in the mirror before you leave the house? I’m tired of people assaulting my eyes. I need them to see the homework that I’m not doing.

For starters; the nude lip. The nude lip is when you apply a cream lipstick, or more commonly, a concealer to your lips. Were you aiming for under your eyes and then just completely fucking missed? Your lips are white. It looks like you left sperm on your face from the movie you filmed last night. School is not a high fashion magazine where the make up is meant to be extreme, so fuck off, you’re not a supermodel and never will be.

Now you look like you’ve just shot a porno, but because you were doing an indoor scene you had no time to tan! So what do you do? You don’t put on a little bronzer, no, that’s not enough. I understand people want to be a few shades darker. What I don’t understand are the people who insist on being orange. You know you’re orange! Most of us mastered colours in kindergarten. When you and your friends compare the tans you got this summer, do you not see that the other person is a shade of brown and you’re a fucking pumpkin. When I see you; all I see is a giant cheeto radiating neon orange.

So now you’ve got your douchetastic make up, how do you losers try and dress yourselves? By wearing the least amount of clothing possible. My favorite example is crop tops. We’ve been at Dawson for a little over two weeks and all I see are crop tops. Yeah, in the summer they’re fine at the beach even if it’s really hot that day, around town, I’d say its fine (so long as you are not the size of a baby whale). However, we’re at school, this school is always set to negative 15 degrees anyway! I’m wearing a sweater in every class because I’m afraid I might die of hypothermia and you’re wearing a crop top to show off your flabby midriff? You’re at fucking school. You’re not getting ready for a photo shoot with Dov Charney and you’re not at a dirt club on St-Laurent.

All you’re missing are shorts or pants and you’re ready to leave the house. Well, I mean not pants, because that would just be too conservative and you’d just look ugly wearing a nice pair of jeans. So you squeeze into your vagina shorts. No, not booty shorts (although why you’re wearing those at school too is beyond me) I’m talking about vagina shorts. Shorts that go so high up and are so tight that I can literally see your labia (don’t know what a labia is? Google it and then go back to third grade, you should not be wearing shorts at all.) They make you look like a stripper and not the hot ones, the ones that open the afternoon show Monday to Thursday.

So Dawson, if I see anyone with this makeup or I don’t even know what the fuck being orange categorizes as (I’m just going to say paint) I will spray windex in your face and just start wiping until I see something that resembles a respectable human being. As for your clothes I can’t say I’d rip them off you, because that’s getting a little to close, but I will drape a white sheet over you and then you’ll look like your part of some cult.

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