Welcome ladies and gents. Welcome to a semester of hell. In the next few months you are quickly going to realize that high school was a waste of time and that college isn’t a fucking joke. While you try to figure out this shitstorm I’m going to give a few pointers to all the first timers out there.
Please STOP going up the main staircase! Who the fuck in their right minds goes up a packed staircase where not only is it jammed with people but they are all flying down towards you. What? Do you think you’re Moses and somehow if you think hard enough you’re going to part the sea of teen angst ready to trample you with flaming barrels while you try to save the princess? Also if you are in the middle of the hallway and you see it is congested, don’t just fucking stop. Nothing is worse then having to run into a wall after trying to get around some asshole who’s staring at their phone.
I’ve seen you preppy shits walking around all dressed up as if Dawson was an all around clubfest. Why the hell would you not wear pockets? You’re in school, fuck I wouldn’t be surprised if you start carrying around little flashy purses attached to your arm to hold your pencil, a ruler, your phone and three condoms. It’s true, the way all of you dress is as if you’re going to walk down the stairs and fall up on a full blown orgy in the middle of the atrium.
It’s sad how mindfucked you all are and it pisses me off how stupid you can be too. All I hear in the overcrowded hallways of today are “Oh my God!” and “Bro.” I feel like i’ve been sucked into the set of Jersey Shore waiting for Vinnie to pop out and save me from all these guides and guidettes. …And that’s what pissed me off this week.