By Tyler Finigan
Hey what do you get when you mix blood, sex, gluttony and a Thorous* brain smash: Metal!
Since it’s birth in the Bible, metal has been the only music anyone should listen to. If you don’t listen to metal you are a poor excuse of a soul and you should let me desecrate your well being with a 50-pound war hammer.
Metal is the reason the world still turns. The radio stations wouldn’t have anything to play, if it weren’t for metal we’d have feet for noses, The Lion King would have never existed and worst of all there’d be no such thing as air.
We need metal to breathe, to eat, to sleep, and to have anything close to a language. So fuck all that Justin Beiber, rap, country and whatever that other shit no one listens to, I’ll wipe that shit with my ass.
On the first day of existence, God came down on his Harley Davidson and said, “Fuck these dinos we need to make fucky fucky and introduce this wasteland to my heavy metal thunder.”
On the second day of existence, God pulled out his six-neck strat and melted all the dinosaurs’ faces and then he spread his seed across the naked earth and impregnated the hills with Man.
On the third day of existence, God invented Beer and Weed so that all men could sustain life.
From the fourth to seventh day of existence, God had a wicked hangover and cured it with the salty hair of bores and the menstruation from 45 virgins.
From these days forward mankind has evolved rapidly; using the technical advancements brought on by metal music. It’s true! The Eiffel tower was said to be made out of pigskin, filth and toothpicks. I even heard that to put it all together they turned their amps loud enough to glue the whole thing together.
Did you know that there are different types of metal? Of course you did! There’s Death Metal, Rape your Corpse Metal, Bloody Ears Metal, Grindyourfacecore and of course the most popular one of them all Cry Tears of Thunder Metal.
Metal is the love pump of The Devil and the sweet-sweet song of The man upstairs. It brings forth life and brings it to an end. Metal gives us the knowledge to make our own decisions, to invent, to be Gods of our own.
Like Sir Isaac Newton once said, “No great discovery was ever made without a bottle of Jaeger and a hard-on.”
Time and time again we wonder why not another form of music, well that’s because all other kinds of music were first of all created by metal and, secondly, are shit.
Metal also has other purposes then just keeping us all alive, it entertains. It also keeps our clothes dry and the sun from creeping close enough to the earth in order to evaporate China.
So turn up that fluid curdling, stomach pumping, baby making metal cause if you don’t the world will implode.
* Thorous: adv. describes an action as if it was done by Thor, Norse god of thunder.