By Chris Pike
The first week of the NFL is now over and since week two starts on Sunday let’s recap the winners and losers of week one.
Week 1 Winners:
Wes Welker — Not only does he come off a blown-out knee to catch two touchdowns, cementing himself as Tom Brady’s go-to guy, but he shows up to the post-game press conference with a sixpence hat looking like an Irish immigrant. The only way the people of Boston could love this guy more is if he starred in a movie with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon about how fucking awesome Boston is. Meanwhile, Randy Moss bitched about his contract.
Ben Roethlisberger — Pittsburgh won and Dennis Dixon showed he’s not a threat when it comes to taking Ben’s job. Dixon either needs to play a lot better or dress up like a 16 year-old girl, tell Ben that quarterbacks really turn him on and let nature take its course.
Football Fans: We’ll finally have a season without the stupidity of “Will the Colts rest their starters or try for a perfect record?” Now all we can do is wait for Manning to fail in the playoffs.
Ray Lewis – Ray isn’t a winner because he finished with four tackles in the Ravens’ win over the Jets. Mr. Lewis is a winner because he’s become the new Old Spice guy. I doubt ladies will flock to him like they did to Isiah Mustafa (the old Old Spice guy) but Ray might just swan dive into the best season of his career after this endorsement deal. And if he doesn’t at least he’ll smell good.
Two Angels: Because whenever Tim Tebow receives a snap,
an angel gets its wings.
Week 1 Losers
Common Sense — Calvin Johnson goes up for the ball. Comes down with it and makes the catch. Or does he? This rule is stupid and needs to be changed. It’s only one game right? Wrong, that one win would be 50 percent of Detroit’s total wins since Dec. 2007. Yeah. The Lions suck that much.
Pete Carroll — This isn’t college anymore. You don’t get to run onto the field after every mediocre play that goes right. Besides you beat the 49ers, it’s not that impressive. I bet the kid in my sociology class who drools on himself has better quarterback skills than Alex Smith. So sit down Pete, and
fuck the Trojans.
Bob Sanders, Anthony Gonzales and Paul Posluzny – I wrote this before the season even started. What a time saver.
Alex Barron – Ah yes, the Cowboys could have won Sunday night’s game against the Redskins in dramatic fashion, but Alex Barron just had to fuck it all up, receiving a holding penalty on the final play of the game. So Alex, expect a lot of death threats from angry Cowboys fans and a few fruit baskets from Redskin fans. Did I mention he’s the most penalized player in the league since 2005? Fucking moron.