News Bites

by Jasmine papillon-smith

A car bomb was diffused in Times Square, New York City after a vendor and Vietnam War veteran saw the abandoned green Pathfinder giving off smoke. Everyone knows that if you’re going to be bombing a densely populated area, you’re going to have to oversee the operations yourself to make sure it’s done properly. Now instead of killing thousands of people and reaching Allah’s land of 77 virgins, all you’ve done is gone and lost a perfectly good green Pathfinder. High five, man.
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A group of South Koreans released balloons filled with information pamphlets, newspapers, dvds and money across the border into information-starved North Korea in the framework of North Korean Freedom Week. It’s funny because North Korea doesn’t know about North Korean Freedom Week.
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Meanwhile, the world-leading Snooker champion was allegedly caught accepting a large bribe to lose frames. “It was as if someone kicked me in the stomach,” said Barry Hearn, world Snooker chairman.
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Weavers in India’s Karnataka district have reported partial blindness after handling silk imported from China, which was allegedly chemically-induced to look more luxurious and be heavier. Is my silk toilet paper causing people in third-world countries undue pain? I feel so guil…oh no, wait, false alarm; I thought that was my conscience, but it’s actually just a headache.
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Protests took place in Arizona last week, where a bill was recently passed allowing police officers to question anyone they think may be an illegal immigrant. It’ll be a hassle sending back all those illegal Hispanics; it might be easier to just put them into a small, enclosed space where they can be forced to work. We probably don’t have to worry about that, though, since the people being questioned will most likely be white.
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David Kernell, a 22-year-old college student, was convicted of hacking into Sarah Palin’s e-mail account during the 2008 election. Photos revealed that David Kernell is hot.
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Maoists in Nepal have started street-protests in order to force the current government to step down. Although the atmosphere is jovial for the moment, some protesters have shown up to the festivities sporting bamboo sticks, a sign of imminent violence. Prime Minister Madhav Kumar Nepal of Nepal says he would like to talk. I’m not going to lie here; the whole reason for this bite was to point out that the PM of Nepal’s last name is Nepal.
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Obesity has now been declared a matter of national security by the US military, where over 25% of young people are too fat to enlist in the army. If only there was a cure for obesity.
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Despite a break in News Bites, Somalia has not stopped sucking. Haradhere, a Somali town, has been cleansed of piracy by insurgents of Hizbul Islam after the latter were denied a share of the piracy trade. This may at first sound like a good thing, but… Hizbul Islam supports Sharia law, the Muslim extremist view currently attempting to take Somalia back to a seventh-century lifestyle.
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President Obama regaled the crowd at the White House Correspondent Association dinner with jokes about how far his ratings have plummeted. A black man, a president, a comedian; sigh.
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A US passenger allegedly named “Lin” aboard a flight from Taiwan to China made a joke about having a bomb on the plane. The airliner made an emergency landing. Lin actually means asshole in one of the Asian languages.
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Spencer Tunick, an American photographer known for his photos of mass amounts of naked people, managed to get over 1 000 people to voluntarily get naked for an installation in Ireland. One volunteer said, “The body is art.” Blaming things on art always goes off without a hitch; it’s a wonder Pope Benedict hasn’t declared sexual abuse “art in the name of God.”
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And finally, please refer to http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8654083.stm, and wait for the Latvian pagan folk metal band to come on.

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