Top five picks of the week

Counting down the top five Super Mario 64 levels

by Chris Pike

Sitting here in my basement avoiding the rest of my homework I’ve turned on my Nintendo 64 and started to play Super Mario 64. Everything about this game makes me feel like a seven-year-old again. The music, the bad guys, Mario’s voice and especially the levels bring me back to the best moments of my childhood.  So this week’s Picks will be dedicated to the Top 5 Super Mario 64 levels.

#5 Jolly Roger Bay
The first water level in the game is probably the best one. Okay, so there are only two water levels in the entire game, (two and a half if you count Wet-Dry World) but this one is by far the best. The pirate ship, the giant eel, even the clams that hid those infamous “8 Red Coins” are what make this level so awesome.

#4 Bob-omb Battlefield
The first boss of this level is a giant bomb, wearing a crown, also sporting a mustache. As a child I don’t think I completely registered how epic that was. I also failed to realize how terrifying that fucking big black barking ball thing was. Christ, I think I’m going to have nightmares now.

#3 Whomp’s Fortress
This is the level with that owl that hid in the tree. All your friends would come over and want to play this level just so they could grab onto that goddamn owl and fly all around. There was even that jackass friend who would grab onto the owl then fly off the fucking map and make you lose a life. I’m looking at you Michael, you stupid son-of-a-bitch.

#2 Cool, Cool Mountain
The level with the penguin race, oh the penguin race. Every time you would play this level, no matter what star you were aiming for, you’d race that giant penguin. Sometimes you’d fall off the course and sometimes you’d find the hidden path that lead you to the 1UP and sometimes (if you really sucked) you’d lose to the penguin and he’d laugh in your failure of a face.

#1 Tall Tall Mountain
This level can be summed up in one thing, that motherfucking monkey. You know the monkey I’m talking about. The one who steals Mario’s hat and it’s almost impossible to get the thing back. The sheer amount of frustration that this monkey has made me feel could feel a nuclear missile silo. If I could murder any one fictional character it would be that stupid monkey. Just give me the hat back monkey, give me that hat back so I can go on with my life.

Honorable Mention:  Bowser Levels
The long wait before you actually get to fight the big guy can be a bitch. I’m sure anyone who’s played these has either fallen off the side of the map, gotten their ass burnt and made Mario run right off the side of the map or pulled their hair out looking for the eight red coins for that level.

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