Sparkling Piece of Ass

By Alexandra Giubelli

Ok, before any of you fans out there start plotting my death and decide to hunt me down, let me tell you this: Yes, I’ve read the books. Somehow and somewhere, by a mysterious force, my friend was able to convince me to read the books. Would you like to know something else? I’ll even admit that I liked the books to a certain extent. So now, gently place that knife back on the table and listen to what I have to say, and maybe we’ll be able to find a solution to the monster Stephenie Meyer created.

If any of you have been infected by the Twilight virus, stay calm and breath. We won’t shoot you right in the head like we would with zombies, or any other creatures. We know you are human, and that you have the right to love whatever you want, because it’s your choice. But please, think about it for a second. The first step to cure someone is to admit something is wrong. And I can help you with that.

Having said that, let’s start with why you fan-girls (and some boys, let’s not forget about you) love, admire and are obsessed with the books. The two words that will have every girl melt: Edward Cullen. But life is a bitch and I must destroy him for your greater good. So let make this clear: HE FREAKIN’ SPARKLES! What kind of vampire is that? What happened to the badass vampires that can’t go in the sun because they’ll turn into ash and the vampires that didn’t go to school?

Folks, you’ll have to admit, he is gay compared to Mister Jacob “the big bad wolf” Black. If you still refuse to give up on him, here are a few others things you should now. HE IS DEAD! Is kissing a dead body, sleeping with a dead body and getting fucked by a dead body supposed to be cool? Necrophilia guys, come on! If you are thinking “I love Jacob anyway,” wrong answer because now you are just into beasts and that is disgusting. If what I have said still hasn’t worked, don’t be happy yet. I’m not done with you.

This one might hurt, so get ready for it. He’s a fictional character! Robert Pattinson isn’t Edward Cullen (thank God). I suggest you bring back your wedding gowns to the shop and cancel the wedding because he doesn’t exist. Even if he did, who would want to go out with a guy her own mother would jump at the first occasion? It isn’t only your little sister and friends who got infected, but your mother as well who can’t stop jumping and squealing like in the 70s when she would see John Lennon or Elvis Presley in the magazines.

Try not to base your life on Bella’s even though you probably have better acting skills than Kristen Stewart. This however is not a valuable reason for you to start running around school acting like a weird and depressed kid, hoping the super-sexy-oh-my-god-he-is-so-gorgeous guy will come and make you a vampire. Nope, in real life, he’ll probably give you another kind of virus.

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