by Tyler Winigan

Random Bake Sales

It’s always for a good cause. The only cause that you’re doing any good for is feeding more and more hungry fat people that are too lazy to walk downstairs to the Tim Horton’s. I’ve never seen so many cupcakes and croissants in my life; I feel my arteries clogging just by looking at them. You know, baking is good and all, but since your clientele consists of that creepy teacher who has a fascination for whipped cream, I think you should start selling something else. The other thing that keeps you guys from expanding your demographic is the fact that you all don’t look like you give a shit. I tried to buy a cupcake and the guy who gave it to me was looking at me like I just took his new born child or something. Put on a fucking smile, look me in the eye and say “Thank you,” or else I’m going to open a stand next to you to sell milk so they can swallow your rock hard treats.

People who hum at the urinal

You ladies might have encountered someone who sings or hums in the bathroom while you are trying to take a leak. Someone who thinks that everyone enjoys hearing them “skippedy do dah” while they defecate. Well, you girls have never had to deal with that idiot pissing half a foot next to you, in plain view. Who the fuck sings when they pee? Seriously, the only song that comes to mind when I’m flushing my bladder out is “Push it.” This guy is holding on to his junk humming his delight while he tinkles. Either that’s the epidemic of having a great day or he doesn’t fucking realize that I’m staring at him with disgust. I swear if I heard one more syllable of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I was going to jazz hand my piss into his face. Take that, you Mary Poppin’s freak!


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