News Bites

by: jasmine papillon-smith

A volcano by the name of Eyjafjallajoekull erupted in South Iceland last week, for the second time in the past month. Most flights were grounded until Monday, at which time some of the flights resumed. I have my reservations about this volcanic eruption, however; the only thing it is clearly capable of doing at this point is spewing a massive amount of consonants. Eyjafjallajoekulldjskl;ajkfld;smcojioskaliofudsiopajcisl, what?!
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On another note, George Washington has allegedly incurred up to 300 000$ in library fines for two books he never returned. The New York Society Library will not be pursuing the fines. This bit of news is almost more pointless than my life.
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A huge earthquake in China caused over 1700 deaths, injured over 12 000 and made another 100 000 homeless. The Buddhists of the region have had to resort to cremating the dead, rather than leaving the bodies out to the elements and the vultures, as is their usual custom. And here I was, thinking I could go to Qinghai province and feast on some Chinamen. Damn! I’ll have to take my scavenging to Darfur.
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Australia is going to increase the security monitoring off its coasts in order to prevent ships from accidentally causing environmental damage to the Great Barrier Reef. This is all fine, except that those accidental oil spills help to kill sharks, and those motherfuckers need to be shown who’s baws.
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Ironically, Kenya is one of the hardest countries hit by our friend the consonant orgasm. All their fresh produce and flowers is going to waste since it cannot be exported through the ash cloud and the agricultural workers–that’s a few hundred thousand people–have been laid off for an indeterminate period. Stephen Mbithi, chief executive of the Fresh Produce Exporters Association of Kenya, has said “We have handled drought, El Nino and the post-election violence, but we have not seen anything like this.” So the lesson here is, volcano ≥ elections.
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A law has been passed in Bolivia to prohibit wild and domestic animals from being used in the circus. Good thing that’s not a Canadian law—Harper would have to be taken out of Parliament.
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So these three guys walk into a bar, and one of them says to the other, “Hey, let’s grab a drink and jet.” So they do.
Oh, were you waiting for a punch line? Well, one of the three guys was an engineer for Apple and he forgot the super-secret prototype of the next iPhone on the bar.
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Several foetuses were found in a dumpster in India. Some people were alarmed by this, but you gotta figure: what are they going to do with the produce of illegal abortions and unwanted baby girls? Is it a crime if it keeps the stray dogs alive? I mean, give a dog a bone, India; give a dog a BONE! Bentham, where are you when we need guidance?
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Karla Homolka is set to be pardoned this summer, after being released in 2005. Despite certain misgivings expressed by several civilians, Harper countermanded their protests by stating that 99% of criminals who apply to be pardoned have it granted. I’m so glad we have a PM so that he can influence the way things are run. Maybe I’ll just stage a coup d’état and wait to be pardoned.
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Oh, and if you’re looking for a bit of alienation, please refer directly to http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8621108.stm. I promise you’ll find everyone more tolerable in comparison.

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