Top 5 picks of the week

Counting down the top five viral videos of all time

by Carl Perks

The Internet is a magical, mysterious place. It is a place where everyone in the comments section is a douche, bears can become pedophiles and unicorns get their kidneys stolen at Candy Mountain. What picks is here to do this week is take you by your young and delicate hand, wade through all the intense amounts of pornography (seriously do not turn your Google safe search off) and bring you to the goldmine of videos you’ve probably already seen before.

#5 Hey Marine!
We begin picks with Hey Marine! This six-second long video is plainly a guy surprising a girl with a slap to the back of the head. Why is this such an amazing video? Well its six seconds long so you can enjoy it quickly. The sound of the slap is loud enough that you know it was definitely surprising but not enough to hurt the dumb girl getting it. But what really makes this video worthwhile is the look on the guy’s face after he slaps the girl. The sheer amount of undiluted ecstasy that is on this man’s face is unrivaled. Never have I ever seen a human being more satisfied after slapping a bitch up. Kudos Hey Marine! guy, you’re a fucking superstar.

#4 Numa Numa Song
In the early days of the Internet all we had to entertain us was a fat guy lip-syncing a Romanian techno song while dancing in front of his webcam. This video has over 36 million views and two sequels. Why? I have no idea, re-watching this video I see that its not even funny at all. Thank God things like 2 girls 1 cup arrived on the scene or else we’d be stuck with crap like this. Oh how the Internet has grown, like a small evil child with ADHD and rage issues into a large man with ADHD, rage issues and an addiction to weird porn.

#3 Chocolate Rain
Chocolate Rain is one of the greatest Internet songs ever recorded. Tay Zonday is an absolute genius, not only does he tackle the theme of racism in this song (does he? I’m not sure, but I think that’s what its about) he also has a really fucking weird voice. He sounds like the bastard child of Cher and Kermit The Frog. Chocolate Rain has also been parodied by John Mayer during VH1’s Best Week Ever. That’s how you know you’ve made it big…

#2 Charlie Bit Me
This video has everything, a baby, an adorable British child, crying and biting. This video has taught me never to mess with babies who have just discovered the use of their teeth. And the look on Charlie’s face after done his biting, that is the face of a future serial killer. That baby is pure evil I tell you… On a lighter note there’s also an AutoTuned version that is pretty incredible.

#1 Never Gonna Give You Up aka Rick Roll
There is no single greater viral video than this one. Rick Astley’s 80’s classic is now a staple of Internet culture. Being tricked into watching this video is the most infuriating and yet most enjoyable thing in the entire world. You can’t help but feel angry and happy when you see the tiny gay ginger dance across your computer screen. This video is so great that YouTube used it as the only video it played on April Fool’s Day 2008.  We’re no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I could quite possibly be the two greatest lines in the entire history of song. Move over “Hey Jude” and other songs that are really really iconic.

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