The Habs have no chance

by Chris Pike

Anyone with a half a brain knows exactly what’s going to happen to the Montreal Canadiens in the first round of the 2010 NHL playoffs.

Washington will fucking destroy them, plain and simple.

Only one word comes to mind when I think of the Montreal Canadiens and their fans.

Jacques Martin is an idiot. He’s tried to play the trap and other overly defensive styles of play when Montreal doesn’t have anyone nearly good enough to pull it off. The entire Canadiens roster is comprised of morons. Scott Gomez is an underachieving prick who couldn’t put the puck in the back of the net if Helen Keller was goaltending for the other team. Mike Cammalleri skates and shoots as if he were the bastard child of Stephen Hawking and Michael J Fox.

Now that we’ve looked at the absolute trash that Montreal calls their star players (notice how I only mentioned two guys? Yeah, your team is fucking stellar) its time to look at the other morons who make up this red, white, and blue shit storm. Not one of them is above six feet tall besides the moronic ogre named Hal Gill.

How are you supposed to win a full contact sport when your lineup consists of goddamn Smurfs?

Oh and the fans, you poor blind sons of bitches. At the beginning of each season you and your cohorts have the most massive premature ejaculation the city has ever seen. “This is the year!” you all say, “The drive for 25!” you all cheer. How dumb do you have to be to think that a team who can’t decide which shitty goalie they want to play more is going to come anywhere close to the Stanley Cup? Especially when you’re up against Ovechkin and the Capitals.

Ovechkin is a fucking beast, a scoring machine, a superstar straight out of the Red Army era of Russian hockey whose sole purpose is to make his opposition look stupid while ripping the puck to the back of the net. Did I mention the fact that former Montreal goalie Jose Theodore hasn’t lost a single game since the middle of January? Have fun getting shit all over by a guy you all thought would never make it as a starter after Gainey traded him. Bring your brooms to the Bell Centre Habs fans, you’re about to get swept.


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