News Bites

by Jasmine Papillon-Smith

So the President of Poland is dead.  Yeah, he died in a plane crash with like Poland’s army chief, their central bank governor, some MPs and a few leading historians. No big.
Meanwhile, Sudan is having a large-scale election. Besides having non-existent infrastructure, the entire South contemplating a referendum, and an on-going genocide, election officials have been seen accompanying civilians into polling booths and instructing them to vote for Omar al-Bashir, currently rated as one of the world’s top five most brutal leaders.
Greece is receiving a 30 bn Euro loan to help it get back on its feet. Pretty sure we need to re-think this debt repayment business. If we all sat down as adults and talked about our needs, we could decide to just send me a very large shipment of Greek salad to make atonement. I feel fairly confident that the banks in question could agree.
Feel like flicking your girlfriend’s nipple through her shirt? Or crucifying your friend like he was Jesus and then cutting off his feet to take his shoes? Or drugging your little brother and sending him to fight in a war? Or stoning your mom for being the slut that fornicated with your dad to make you? If these trendy urges aren’t coming naturally to you, dear Dawsonites, then grab a rifle and jump on the al-Shabab bandwagon. Even considering the above-mentioned events taking place in Sudan, Somalia still sucks more for being home to al-Shabab, a seventh-century-style Islamic group who is, aside from the trivialities just mentioned, allied with al-Qaeda.
Mariah Carey has announced that she will only accept to be played by Leona Lewis in a biopic about herself.
The United Arab Emirates’ big annual poetry contest, a Middle East equivalent to American Idol, failed to make a Kelly Clarkson out of Hissa Hilal. Her controversial poems opposing radicalism in Saudi Arabia, from where she hails, awarded her only third place. She also got death threats. I wonder what poetry about Canada would be like:
“Canadian girl: Two stranzas, one voice”
Differences in salary,
between men and women still differ somewhat,
But it is worse here than in Saudi,
where they at least grow the Kumquat. (a delicious fruit)
I feel obliged to show my face to everyone,
it is a hard weight to carry,
To be allowed to leave my jacket undone,
And feel freedom so completely.
WHAT THE LHC?! A man found stealing Mountain Dew from the Large Hadron Collider facility in Switzerland claimed he was from the future and here to stop the discovery of the Higgs boson, or “God particle.” His exact words were: “Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I’m here to stop it ever happening.” He then mysteriously disappeared from his prison cell.
This week’s most chuckle-worthy news was absolutely Iran’s announcement of its development of third-generation centrifuges, capable of enriching uranium six times faster than the existing models. As much as I want to join the P5 + 1 and pretend Iran is not a real threat, this has all the signs of a classic schoolyard bullying case: Iran is that scrawny kid whose civilians you killed and powers you underestimated until the day he came over to your house and fucked you up with a nuclear bomb. We deserve to get blown up out of sheer stupidity.

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