Top five picks of the week

Counting down the top five Spider-Man villains

by Chris Pike

While I sit here at my computer staring at my Spider-Man desktop background contemplating the sheer awesomeness of the web-slinging, fast-talking New York City superhero, I think to myself: Which five Spider-Man Villains are the best? Maybe Mysterio with his magic tricks and fishbowl head, or maybe its Scorpion with his poisonous tail. No I think that there are better. In order from least badass to most badass, here are the top five Spider-Man villains.

#5 The Lizard – Oh Dr. Curt Connors all you wanted was to grow the arm you lost in a miscellaneous war back. But what did you get for all your hard scientific work? You got turned into a giant alligator thing that tries to kill its family and other loved ones. Maybe you should have just prayed to get your arm back. I’m sure Jesus wouldn’t have turned you into the terrible beast you are today. Nope Jesus doesn’t roll like that.

#4 Carnage – He killed his grandmother, let his father rot in jail, pushed a girl who wouldn’t date him in front of a bus and burnt down an orphanage, and this was before he even got his superpowers. It’s safe to say the Carnage is one fucked up dude. Oh did I mention he writes “Carnage Rules” in his own blood all over his crime scenes? Yeah. Fucked. Up.

#3 Kingpin – Not only is he one of the richest guys in all of New York ,he’s also one of the fattest. Maybe he wouldn’t be so angry with everyone if his blood pressure weren’t so high. I’m kind of amazed he hasn’t lost a leg to diabetes yet. He’s still badass though, even if he is more ass than bad.

#2 The Green Goblin – So Norman Osborn is almost as crazy as Carnage, so he only uses goblin themed weaponry, so he treats his son Harry like absolute garbage, so Willem Dafoe is a really ugly guy  who a lot of people think of when they think of the Green Goblin. He is still a badass, completely insane, but still pretty badass.

#1 Venom – He’s jacked like the illegitimate son of Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1984 and Barry Bonds.  He’s got an amazing winning smile and a tongue that rivals Gene Simmons (hear that ladies?). Okay, so he’s allergic to high-pitched sounds and fire, but seriously it’s fire, who isn’t allergic? There’s definitely no other villain more badass than Venom.
Honourable Mention: Black Cat – I didn’t want to seem like a sexist, so here’s a lady for you guys. Plus she’s really fucking hot, like dayum girl.

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