News Bites

by Jasmine papillon-smith

A South Korean ship exploded last Friday. A total of 46 sailors are still missing, likely to be dead in the 4C water. I guess this means the South Korean Navy will be recruiting:
“In the S.K. navy
Yes, you can tease some commies,
In the S.K. navy
Yes, you can kill and be at ease,
In the S.K. navy
Come on now, people, give them a lesson,
In the S.K. navy, in the S.K. navy
Can’t you see we need a nuclear weapon
In the navy, in the navy, in the navy (in the navy)
They want you, they want you”
***
Russia and the US have made a new deal in which they are to diminish their nuclear warheads to 1 550 each. They have given themselves seven years to achieve this goal. My goal for the next seven years is to lose five pounds; better get on that.
***
Meanwhile, Fox has cancelled 24. America mourns.
***
A shrine in Kashmir, dedicated to Jesus Christ’s life, post-execution, has had to close down due to its large influx of tourists. According to local legend, Christ survived the crucifixion, and went to live in Kashmir, where he lived out the rest of his days and died in peace. Kashmir, I am calling you out on this shameless exploitation and manipulation of religious lore. The truth is Jesus came to Candiac, my south-shore town, to live out his days. Candiac actually means “Jesus Christ & Elvis Live On” in Hebrew.
***
The United Arab Emirates is building a carbon-free city in the middle of the desert. The city is set to be completed between 2015 and 2020, will be home to 50 000 people and will use solar energy for everything. This is a classy high five to you, UAE, for being so ridiculously oil-rich that you can afford to use none at all, and mock the rest of us from behind your traditional Sikh attire (would the use of turban in this context have been politically incorrect? I wouldn’t want to insult men with kirpans who are unwilling to use them.)
***
A 55-year-old man was seen attempting to resuscitate a dead opossum by the roadside north of Pittsburgh. Some witnesses claimed he was doing some sort of voodoo magic; others say he was giving the infant-sized creature mouth-to-mouth. Judging by the amount of alcohol that was probably in his system, I feel he may have brought the animal back to life only to kill it with alcohol poisoning; kind of like fighting for peace and prosperity and then sending your soldiers to die half a world away. Cough, Stephen.
***
Sarah Palin is currently heading the “Tea Party Express,” a bus-tour aimed at rallying Republican support to stop the healthcare reform. She rallied anti-healthcare support outside of the town of Searchlight, Nevada, home of Harry Reid, Democratic Senate leader who voted in favour of the recent bill. She called for citizens to “fire” Reid, as well as Obama and Nancy Pelosi, current
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Speaker for the House of Representatives. It’s too bad ex-vice-presidential candidate Palin is unaware that a president cannot be “fired.” That’s like firing the Pope. If Eurotrip taught us anything, it’s that you have to light his hat on fire and throw it into a fireplace, duh.
***
Protesters are still aiming to get current Pope Benedict XVI dismantled, saying he is not dealing harshly enough with allegations of child abuse against members of his clergy. You say child abuse, I say the creation of good God-fearing Catholics.

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