by Katrina Tortorici
Spring break has to be the biggest tease ever – bigger than a girl wearing a ridiculously short dress at a club, or a guy leaning in for a kiss and then planting a subtle one on your cheek instead. Spring break is meant to torture the nerds, who refuse to devote their entire school-free week to anything but studying for upcoming midterms, and it’s meant to torture the party animals, who reserve what’s left of their liver just for this week of chronic intoxication, combined of course with sex and sleep (if it fits into the schedule). The reason the latter feel as though they are being tortured is simple: God giveth and then God taketh away. How on Earth is one supposed to get back into the routine of exams and agonizing class lectures after a taste of the wild, free life? It’s like telling a dog to sit and roll over while rattling his cookie jar, and then laughing in his face as he stares at you in disgust. Yes, that makes you an asshole.
So, don’t mess with shit like that. Those responsible for deciding on study breaks and whatnot have no idea what we all go through right before spring break. It’s a massive build up for everyone. We plan it to a tee, like it’s fucking Ocean’s Eleven or something. Every day, every hour, every moment counts, because every second you spend not knowing what ridiculous stunt or stupidity you’re going to try pulling off next is a second of spring break lost. Gone. And that’s why we all take it so goddamn seriously. No one wants to live with regrets and everyone wants to be the one to have had the craziest week off. Hence, more trouble is caused, more alcohol is consumed, and more weed is smoked, because heaven forbid we should stay sober for even one day – it’s unthinkable. So I ask those in charge, what exactly were your intentions when you decided that spring break would last just seven days? Did you purposely want to get us all fucked? The fact that it lasts only one week makes the little time we have so precious that we’re afraid not to budge from our safe little boring homes, which prompts us to neglect our schoolwork and get trashed every single day of the week (tipsy Tuesday is my personal favourite).
Now, if spring break were to last two weeks, we could not only spread out the alcohol consumption, but we might even be able to squeeze in an hour or so for homework. Plus, after two weeks of feeling like pure junk, we’re bound to have had enough and accept the fact that we have to go back to school. But one week gives us no choice other than to perform terribly in the week of school to come and skip as many classes as possible. One week is just meant to torment. It’s meant for suffering. It’s just a tease…which is why we shall end this monstrosity once and for all by not attending school the week after spring break at all – everyone! All 10 000 of us. That should show ’em. But since the week is already over, I guess we could try this act of rebellion next year. Who’s with me?