Les Aventures du Lapin Chaud

To be a “Lapin Chaud”: To be a man who has game. In this case, more game than you. This is why they call me the Lapin Chaud.

The Worst

My friend’s parents left him alone for the weekend, so he decided to have a party. Other than the host, I only knew one other guy, but the day of, he cancelled on me. I decided I would still go. I showed up at around 10PM and what started off as a party turned into an underage drinking carnival. I kid you not, 150 kids must have been on his property. Beer bottles, cigarettes, and joints covered the front lawn and the house floor. I walked in and thankfully the host was near the entrance. He brought me into the kitchen and introduced me to some of his friends, one of which I ended up with in some bedroom only after seven minutes of being at a party where I knew no one *cough* *cough*- I’m amazing! We left the bedroom, where four people were standing outside and gasped. I didn’t think anything of this. She disappeared and I made my way to the basement where people had kindly left their precious alcohol for me to steal.

I went to the backyard after having slammed down most of someone’s bottle of Bacardi. Five girls, three of whom I was introduced to earlier in the evening, were standing around talking. I figured I’d walk over and see what was going on. Turns out they were smoking a joint. There’s something about smoking a nice jay that just unites people. Once we finished smoking, I realized how drunk I was and felt the need to tell everyone I had to take, and I quote, “A serious piss”.

They all started laughing. One of the girls needed to pee as well, so we went on an adventure together to find the bathroom. She thought I was funny, which was perfect because I wanted to fuck her. Once we got into the house, she went to pee in the bathroom and I peed in an expensive vase. When she walked out of the bathroom, she didn’t head back downstairs but, rather, to the master bedroom. We started to make out. This girl was smoking hot, skinny like a toothpick, huge boobs, and silky, straight, blonde hair. I got her shirt off; I’m very pleased by what I see but, before I could get her, bra off she was already blowing me.

I finish, she swallows and looks me, smiles and says: “My turn!”

She gets back on my lap and I make my move to unclip her bra. This girl’s nipples were fucking HUGE; they took up most of the breast’s surface area. She forced my face into them and I lost my erection. I was already turned off but I was still willing to return the favour. I unbuttoned her pants and pulled down her panties and there I saw the dirtiest, most horrifying pussy I’ve ever seen. You can’t even start to imagine the horror. The vagina is supposed to have two lips right? Well, she had 17 and they all looked like crispy bacon strips. I’d seen a vagina in person before her and plenty in porn so it wasn’t like I didn’t know what to expect. This bid’s situation was not natural. As if the image wasn’t bad enough, a pungent smell of fish crawled up nose; I couldn’t do it.

She stood up and asked me if I was OK. I told her I was going to puke because I drank too much. She was very understanding and put her pants back on (Thank Christ). I went to the bathroom and put some water on my face and tried to get the image of her snatch out of my head. I exited the bathroom and headed towards the front door and just as I was leaving someone behind me yelled:

“PHIL! THAT’S THE GUY THAT HOOKED UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND!”

But that’s a story for another day.

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