by Brian Lapuz
The topic of masturbation came up in one of our conversations in The Plant office (surprise, surprise). That got me really uneasy, because I have this massive obsession with masturbation. I do it everywhere. I even do it at school. It just makes me feel so goddamn great and mighty. I’m sure everyone has an image in the back of their heads about a man walking in the streets while masturbating in their trench coat. That’s what I like to do. Well only when the weather permits, obviously.
Now you’re probably wondering, where would I indulge in this awesome action of self-pleasure within the school? If you guessed the washrooms, you are correct. Except there are better places at Dawson. The thing about washrooms is that you can easily find privacy in the stalls. I’d personally rather add the excitement of getting caught.
Another location is the studying areas in the library. I do it in both the 5th floor area and the 6th floor area of the library, right over the rails and try to land one. However, I prefer the 5th floor studying area of the library. The time I like doing it is during lunch hours, because that’s when the most people are there. It’s like playing minesweeper. I also like to open random books and defile them with my juices so that when people open them, they’re wet.
The thrill is fucking amazing. What I like doing the most is going next to some hot chick stroking it. I know I have to be careful though. God knows the numerous times I’ve done it and almost got caught. Covering up is the most difficult shit ever. It is a constant nightmare thinking about the horrors of having a girl noticing me partake in such splendors.
Surprisingly, the stairwells are one of the safest areas to masturbate. Most of the time I end up catching some couple having sex. In order to claim my territory, I simply threaten to call security on them. And when they walk away, I pull out my pipe.
On certain days, I don’t feel too adventurous. Luckily I’m in The Plant class and have access to the office in 2C.10 – a haven for self-love.
But fret not. For the school is not the only location where you can partake in such risk-taking. I will end this article with a list of places I like to masturbate.
The bus, metro, movie theaters, photo-boths, churches, Mosques, Synagogues, Zellers, mac stores, feminist rallies, merry-go-rounds, rollercoasters, The Bell Center, chatroulette, birthday parties, weddings, funerals, morgues, nightclubs, beaches, retirement homes, hospitals, geriatric centers, outside the AMC so people on the EnergyCardio treadmills can see me from the window, chess clubs, poker tables, and of course, Jugo Juice.