Counting down the top five men for whom to go gay
by Samuel Lavigne Schmidt
This week, I have decided to write Picks of the Week. I originally created the idea; therefore, I should be able to take over once in a while. You know…not to be forgotten and what not. This week, I have decided to pick the top five men that any man should turn gay for. I am going to be honest, I am not gay; however, if any of these five men crossed my path, I would immediately cross over and ask them to lay with me. Enjoy!
#1 Brad Pitt: Ever since I saw him in Troy with his little cut up shorts, I won’t lie, I have had a dream that he leaves Angelina Jolie for me these days, I find my dream is even closer to coming true; he is not fooling anyone with that moustache. I have always said that a man with a moustache is hiding something). We would settle down somewhere chic in the Eastern Townships and own a little B&B and adopt twins from a foreign land like Ethiopia (Asian babies are so yesterday). I should also say that if ever my life is made into a film, he is the man I would cast to play myself cuz, let’s face it…we kind of look alike.
#2 Lady Gaga: There’s no lady there, he is not fooling anyone; we all know that Ms. Gaga is actually a Mr. (that means she has a penis). I do not particularly find him that attractive. I would suck it up, and just do “it” to prove to the world that she is a he. I would find some way to sneak some sort of recording device into the boudoir.
#3 Ryan Reynolds: Have you ever seen a picture of him? You could sizzle a steak on his tight little buttocks. True story, I would sell my soul to a redhead to touch one of his abs.
#4 John Lennon: This one is a bit tricky. I would become gay for John Lennon more for profit than anything else. The reason is: he’s a Beatle, the best Beatle. And, if John Lennon came back from the dead, I could tell everyone that I had sexual intercourse with a famous dead guy who came back to life. It would be legend…wait for it…hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY! WHAT. UP. Plant five!
#5 George Pantazopoulos (BooBoo): Everyday, I see him laughing with his friends, ignoring me. Everyday, I wish he would notice me, but he doesn’t. Everyday, I pray to anyone who is willing to listen, to answer my prayers. His sexy beard, his devilish smile, his greasy black hair. How I wish I could be a woman for one day to have my way with him. In the words of Barry White, “He’s my first, my last, my everything. He’s the answer to all my dreams.”