News Bites

by Jasmine Papillon-Smith

Standing at 1’10”, Khagendra Thapa Magar, the shortest man currently residing in Nepal, is traveling to Italy to lay a claim on the world record. I was hoping he would be as tall as the longest penis on record, therefore making an easy penis joke, but unfortunately this such record is loosely placed at 10-12”. Magar could, however, dress up like a cat and actually be mistaken for one.
Meanwhile, a mountain in California has been renamed Ballard Peak, a step up from the former “Negrohead Mountain,” from the preceding and original title that contained a racist slang that can only be used by people within that racial type because otherwise it’s considered racist but when Black people say it it’s funny but when White people say it they’re given dirty looks because Black people have re-appropriated that word and use it a lot and in some cases it even sounds like an endearing nickname and it’s quite confusing. And I don’t mean “Coloured Mountain.”
Members of Gordon Brown’s staff have been reported as calling bullying help lines to deal with the PM’s volatile temperament. Word of warning to Khagendra: stay out of Brown’s punting range.
Obama is bringing the healthcare debate back to the White House, again. Last week he was talking about creating jobs, and the week before that he was contemplating a rise in taxes. The American Senate has become some sort of political soap opera where nothing ever happens. But wouldn’t it be crazy if Obama had a secret Muslim twin who was born outside of the US?
Civil war is brewing in Burma, where the Kachin people- an ethnic minority from the North- are preparing to fight the Burmese army for freedom and equality. If a full-fledged civil war arises, the 10 000-strong rebel army will have to face the Burmese national army, estimated at around 370 000 in the year 2000. I’m no mathematician, but that makes a ratio of a lot : 1, even excluding all the child soldiers. (But there are child soldiers on both sides, so it’s a handicap for everybody.)
Meanwhile, Germany just held its second annual topless tobogganing race.
Certain Chinese factories are finding it hard to recruit new labourers- apparently, the damned Chinese want better wages and working conditions. What with younger generations becoming more highly educated, newer workers are getting picky about which factories they want to work at. Who wants to work on a fake Lacoste factory line when they can do fake Gucci?
Upon questioning, an American-Afghan by the name of Najibullah Zazi has admitted to plotting the total destruction of the New York subway system by means of explosives. He was also allegedly involved with al-Qaeda. I wonder if US authorities invented this story and just paid some guy to have his photo taken. The war on terror seems mainly about playing up American terror in order to garner support for the US occupation in the Middle East. If I have uncovered some sort of conspiracy, then News Bites: 1, US government: 0.
In a shocking turn of events, Iran has declared that they will be building two new nuclear facilities. Though the West persists in peaceful “talks,” Iran’s nuclear projects keep materializing. Over the past year, Iran has increased nuclear production, uranium extraction and purification, as well as pouring huge sums of money into the nuclear industry. From a survival standpoint, this is alarming. When Mr. McGregor failed to make Peter Rabbit the ingredient of a pie like he did with Peter Rabbit’s father, Peter returned to the garden and ate all his vegetables. The West needs to make a pie out of Iran, immediately.


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