News Bites

by Jasmine Papillon-Smith

A 73-year-old Russian farmer has been arrested for constructing landmines and placing them around his property to discourage potato poachers. In case the hilarity hasn’t fully hit, allow me to reiterate: Russian farmer; land mines; potato poachers.
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While firing at militants in Helmand, Afghanistan, NATO accidentally killed 12 civilians, an error they “regret.” Who knew the road to democracy was paved with so many civilian bodily remains? What makes this particularly funny is that civilians usually give up their own lives to fight for their own democratic revolutions; they don’t usually get killed by other nations forcing democracy on them because their armies are bored. The First World military needs a new hobby. I suggest playing Call of Duty: all the satisfaction of the real thing, only pwning noobs rather than Afghan children.
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Meanwhile, Madonna has finally gotten approval from the Malawi people to build a school on their land in order to teach their children. To do so, she had to give them $105 000.00 compensation, as well as more land.  A revelation dawned on me after reading this story: we are living in a material world.
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A 60-year-old Australian woman was attacked by a shark near the Whitsunday Islands. Despite losing 40% of her blood in the attack, she survived by repeatedly punching and kicking the shark until it released her. Grandma is expected to make a full recovery.
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8 000 people have fled Mogadishu, Somalia’s capital, within the last two weeks due to a drastic increase in violence. Furthermore, the fifth in a series of murdered journalists has been killed, causing twelve of Somalia’s remaining reporters to go on strike until security measures are improved. Every time I news bite something about Somalia, I think, “this is it. Somalia has been milked. There will be no more bad news to come out of there for a while.” And then one week later, it does. Somalia is like a never-ending tub of ice cream: sweet and creamy. No, no, it’s not like that at all. It’s actually more like a never-ending tub of suck. And for that, this column would like to say a humble, yet shamed, “thank you.”
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A woman by the name of Nancy Kissel, convicted to life imprisonment in 2005 after putting sedatives in a strawberry milkshake she had made for her husband and then bludgeoning him to death with a small statue, has won an appeal. I guess Nancy Kissel’s milkshakes bring all the boys to the graveyard. lolllololl!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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In other news, a team of scientists from Belgium, Italy and Thailand have determined-through the use of a high-tech track that they built in order to measure elephant footstep weight and velocity-that elephants actually run with their front legs and walk with their back legs while they are moving at high speeds. If elephants weren’t so cool, this would sound like a waste of time.
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Sea Shepard, an anti-whaling organization, recently got into a physical fight with Japanese whalers during which the activists launched butyric acid-made from rancid butter-at the whalers. Three of the latter incurred minor facial injuries. Ironically, butyric acid is used in fish bait.
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The Pope has called on Ireland’s Roman Catholic Bishops to meet specifically to address the issue of child abuse charges that have hitherto gone unacknowledged by the Church. The aim is to restore the Irish people’s trust in the Church and regain some sort of moral standing within society, that is, one that doesn’t require young boys to be kneeling.

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