Lower your expectations

by Jasmine Papillon-Smith

With V-day almost upon us, we are presented with the perfect opportunity for the collective lowering of expectations. Take a minute to bring all of your hopes and aspirations crashing down. Picture the perfect outing with the most gorgeous and interesting creature.

Now picture all the ways in which it could go wrong. Imagine erectile dysfunction at the most awkward moment, your credit card maxed out at the time of payment, your date passing out in a drunken stupor, your ex showing up at your place and your best lines causing blank stares. Now embrace that picture. Lowering your expectations is kind of like burning your hand on the stove. Sure, it hurts. But how good does cold tap water feel once you’ve done so? If tap water was beneath you before, you love it now. Expecting the worst can only pleasantly surprise you.

This message is addressed to both genders, because we here at The Plant don’t discriminate. It just may not be as applicable to boys as it is to girls. I will now reiterate: differentiate what you want from what you expect. The odds of Ken driving up in his pink convertible and stealing you away to the mute, plastic world of Barbie are slim. You are not a Barbie; don’t expect to be treated like one. (That is to say, left naked in a cardboard box at the back of the basement).

If you are lucky enough to have a date this Valentine’s Day, try to think of it as going on an adventure while being under a huge amount of relationship pressure. At best, you dig up the chest of gold, potentially like you could any other night; and at worst, you go home in a body bag.

The point of this whole thing is to say if Valentine’s Day doesn’t live up to your standards and creates deep scarring, you need to find something else to mutter about bitterly while cleaning out the kitty litter. If V-Day is the best thing going for you and your sanity is riding on its success, you need to get a hobby. The truth is, you shouldn’t rely on the creativity of your date to carry you to the pinnacle of love and fulfillment, especially under that much pressure. Ease up; if you go in expecting your date to kill you, Valentine’s Day will be a success when you make it out alive.


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