It’s true! It’s true! Before coming to Canada, I believed all those rubbish Canadian stereotypes. I thought you all owned dog sleds; I believed that mosquitos here were so big they had to punch you to suck your blood. I was even caught off guard when I found out the snowmobile wasn’t just a James Bond gadget. Now, having moved to Canada and having experienced its culture and roamed its streets, I can finally say… it sucks to be Canadian.
I’ll just start off with a four letter word: snow. And I thought rain was bad, but thinking back on rain; it doesn’t have its own sports, it only lumbers you with wellies and an umbrella and doesn’t even score high in scrabble (snow having a W). Your winter is shit. The first time I witnessed it, I thought it was some kind of wrath god set upon the Canadian population for spoiling the alphabet; but you should have seen the look on my face when I found out it came back every year. The first settlers must have been mental.
Take all this honestly, I’m not trying to wind you up but prevent you from impending doom. What will happen to you Canadians when global warming gets the best of winter? And don’t tell me you won’t miss it, you’re the only people I’ve ever known who notice the difference between real snow and that fake stuff in movies. So what will you do when you can’t use the boot of your car as a freezer? What will you name the seasons? Right now you just have 6 months of winter and 6 months of poor snowmobile weather.
I used to wonder how plants would grow in Canada. I could just picture the poor wankers buying full-grown plants and watching them die on their windowsill. Oh, and by the way, I did my research and that thing about the Intuit having all those words for snow. That’s rubbish; they have as many in English, and that’s probably because of you Canadians. Tossers.
So go out and enjoy your squirrel abundant country as long as it lasts. You’ll all be shafted once it leaves at the first sight of U.V. rays.