by Tyler Finigan
To start things off I need to warn you that if you are someone who’s easily offended and can’t take a joke, I kindly invite you to read all the other stories in this week’s issue. This column is about the little irritating things/people that piss me the hell off.
The mullet and v-neck combo!
Okay guys, I don’t know why it’s suddenly acceptable to bring back a hairstyle that was buried in the deepest dirtiest corner of the 80s. I remember a time where Mullets were pure and authentic, you know, the ones that you’d see creeping down he back of your peewee hockey coach. Now, we got all kinds of mullets. We got Mohawk mullets, we got rat-tail mullets, we even got fucking faux-hawk mullets with stars shaved into the sideburns! The only thing that puzzles me more then a legion of Joe “Bro” Dirts running around is the Mullet and V-neck shirt combo. For those of you who haven’t stuck their head out from under the rock they live under to smell the sweet smell of gel and extreme amounts of Axe body spray, a V-neck is a “shirt” whose neck opening ends around the area between a man’s nipples. Yes that’s right! Apparently men need to whore themselves out now to get a little action.
Just to make matters worse, some people decide to wear these to timeless works of art at the same fucking time! The fact of the matter is that if you are spotted doing this, you are automatically a douche bag.
Why is it necessary for 90 percent of Naya water bottles to be filled all the way to the fucking top! Here I am ready to eat my lunch and when I’m in need to take a sip of my water bottle to wash down the beautiful chicken salad sandwich that my dear mom made for me the night before (God bless her!), I open up the bottle of Naya and Sploooosh! An easy half cup of water is spewed across my crotch. Now, not only do I have less water to drink at this moment, and I want to whip my water bottle across the atrium, but I now look like I have pissed my fucking pants!
…And that’s what pissed me off this week.