News bites

by Jasmine Papillon-Smith


Another shoe has been thrown, this time at Israel’s chief Judge, Dorit Beinish. If only someone would throw a shoe at Stephen Harper. Or better yet, a fleshlight, so he can start screwing himself rather than Canada. 
A riot broke out in Nigeria last week between Christian and Muslim citizens. The rioting was allegedly fuelled by hateful text messages on both sides of the riot. Over 300 were killed and 300 more arrested. Killing with cell phones was ridiculously funny in “One Missed Call,” but this live version lacked the certain “je ne sais quoi” of a Japanese remake.
Meanwhile, the amount of “moobs” performed in the last year has increased by 80%. Yes, moobs are male breast-reduction surgeries.
A McDonald’s in the Netherlands recently fired an employee after she gave a colleague an extra slice of cheese for his hamburger without making him pay the price of a cheeseburger. The court ruled that “it is only a slice of cheese” and that McDonald’s Corporation (Billions and Billions sold!) was to give the employee $6 000 in unemployment compensation. This comes after the company announces the opening of 1 000 new branches due to an increase in profits.
Meanwhile, a German man attempted to smuggle 44 geckos and skinks out of New Zealand in pockets he had sewn into his underwear. I’m just putting this out there: skinks bite.
As of Dec. 30, Parliament has been effectively prorogued. Maybe we could use the income taxes incurred over the three-month “break” period to convert the House of Commons into a 7$ daycare complete with wet nurses; it would be ready for the return of baby politics on March 3rd. Or maybe we could physically transport the House of Commons to Afghanistan and force everyone to take stalk of the issues they’re avoiding.
A man and woman in Malaysia were fined four buffalo and a pig after they were respectively caught wearing a pair of shorts and a sarong in each other’s presence outside of wedlock. This was enough evidence to convict them of adultery; their village will reap the bacon of their crime. 
Three months ago, Somali pirates abducted a British couple from their yacht. Ninety-eight days later, the couple is still being held for ransom. The British government refuses to pay for their release. These people are going to die. What up, Somalia.
What’s it going to be this week, Obama: healthcare or the failing US economy? Quit pussyfooting around congress and get something done. America doesn’t have time for a president concerned with living up to the Nobel Peace Prize he prematurely received.
Dan Magness of England broke a world record by keeping the World Cup soccer ball in the air using all parts of his body except his hands over a 30-mile distance for a period of 13:45:00. I’m sure the kids who hand-stitched the ball at Alive&Kicking in Kenya are super proud.
And in case you were wondering, Guy Laliberté is doing well post-space trip. Maybe when Haiti gets a few televisions, they can watch his poetic 35-million dollar takeoff.   


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